Edge
by yes way
Summary: This mission was doomed from the very beginning. But there was something much bigger behind it all that no one could see. not slash. a little dark.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

'She is going to explode'. He thought as he came around.

The life-support systems were long since shut down. His vision was obscured by the thick smoke. The acrid smell of churned wires burned his aching lungs. He coughed painfully a few times and tried to sit. His left leg was caught beneath what was left of his command chair and a few other debris. He couldn't move it without wanting to scream from the pain. 'Shattered knee cap, probably.' he thought vaguely. The pain in his chest aggravated cruelly with every inhale, but none of that mattered any more.

The only thing that occupied his mind was scenes of death and destruction. His crew, his ship... everything was in utter ruin. And what tormented his conscious more than anything else he had ever come to face, was this doubt that was eating at him even in these last seconds of his existence. Doubt that maybe he had made the wrong choice. That he could avoid this disaster had he done something differently. That if he had found another solution, then perhaps his crew would have not suffered so many casualties.

He coughed again. The taste of blood strong in his mouth. Half sitting near what was left of the navigational console, he looked around the bridge. Didn't know it was the agony of seeing the wreck of his beloved ship or the thick smoke in the air that brought tears to his eyes. Almost every console on every station emitted smoke. A few other were on fire. Except for red emergency lights, he was in utter darkness. The sound of klaxon that was warning complete system failure was deafening in the otherwise deathly quiet bridge. In his dazed state of mind, the alarm seemed vaguely ironic. As if it was warning his own impending doom. But he didn't need reminders, did he?

He tried to move, to find a more comfortable position for his last minutes, but only managed to cause himself more pain. He shut his eyes tight and gasped as the agony in his chest flared. He tried to calm his mind, to force himself to start breathing again.  
Slowly… there you go.

He took shallow, rapid breaths. He couldn't mange deeper ones. He wasn't getting enough oxygen. It didn't exist anyway. The fire had taken it all. He opened his eyes again and tried to take his mind off the pain, the loneliness… the death…

Glancing at every station, he tried to picture his senior officers, calm and composed, as they were doing their routine tasks a month ago, a day ago. But the image of them, injured and dismayed, yet still maintaining their position, invaded his mind. It made him proud. It made him sad beyond words.  
Spock….

He had been in the engineering deck when those last horrible blasts were shot at them, trying to manually reroute whatever power was left in the backup batteries to enforce the almost non-existent shields. That deck had been utterly ruined. No one has survived that. That was when he had ordered the evacuation. He couldn't accept any more blood on his hands. Spock was like a brother to him. The pain of his loss was just too much to bear for him. I should have given the evacuation order sooner… I should have seen it coming … I should have…

His mind was drifting again. He couldn't concentrate. For a split seconds, he forgot why he was in so much pain.

He had practically pulled rank and ordered everyone out of the bridge. He stayed behind, of course. If anyone could do anything with the remaining power, it would be the captain.

He was right here, alone on the bridge, trying to somehow dodge the blasts and raise the offensive Klingon commander at the same time, when the last photon torpedo shook the ship violently and thrown him around. He could only remember a moment of suspension before watching helplessly as a bulk head rushed toward him. After that was blessed nothingness.

His beautiful ship, he thought with misery, was in complete wreckage. If Scotty had not been injured that severely in the main engineering, then maybe he could save her, maybe she wouldn't be exploding now. He wished, more desperately than any other time in his career, that Scotty was here. To help…her. His beautiful woman...

He thought about his crew. Their shuttles were probably light-years away by now, knowing the last remaining Klingon war bird, drifting powerless in space–just like my own ship–couldn't even move. the Klingons must have done some miracle just to keep their life support systems operational, especially after those photon torpedoes Chekov sent their way. Pavel's aiming was impeccable. Hadn't missed, as always. The thought made him smile with pride. But the smile was pain filled and short lived.

The Klingon backup forces would not make it in time. The explosion of the Enterprise's over-loaded matter-antimatter reactor chamber would swallow both ships. Nothing would remain.

More than any other injury, the vision of his crew as they left the ship hurt him. He could still hear their protests as he ordered them out; see those gloomy faces and Uhura's tearful eyes as they locked with his for the last time. Pleading him, silently, to let her stay. Let them all stay. They had believed in him so fundamentally. Their unwavering devotion to him, even in those horrible last seconds, when any other would run for his life was even more heart breaking, because now he was not sure if he deserved so much loyalty.

'Captain, please! Don't do this …you don't need to be alone for this … Let us help you…' she had urged, pleaded with her eyes. Even so, he had yelled them to leave, pleading in his own twisted way to stop tormenting him further. Demanded them to escape their inevitable demise, knowing it was the one thing that he could not bear, not even in death. He had enough innocence blood on his hands as it was.

He knew it was his last orders as he gave them. They all knew. They all wanted to share his pains and sorrows. But it was his burden, his responsibility. After all, he was the captain.

He was becoming dizzy. ' lack of oxygen.' he thought to himself. He started coughing again. pain. Worse than before. He whipped the wetness off his lips with the back of his hand. Blood. Maybe the chunk of metal that he had been smashed into had broken a rib or two after all.

'Well… at least Bones isn't here to make a fuss over it.'

The thought of his best friend, as the guards dragged him to an escape shuttle, squeezed his heart so badly he closed his eyes against it. He could remember his frantic shouts, pleads and then curses until the communicator had been snatched out of his hand. Demanding over and over to let him stay. To be with him when it happened. calling out his name in a way that tore at his soul, if not his captain mask. He hopped that someday, his friends would forgive him. He was grateful that their positions had not been reversed. He didn't know if he could forgive, if it had been.  
'I'm sorry, Bones… I'm so sorry… '

'They are safe, Jim. They are all safe...' the voice sounded suspiciously like McCoy's. His head swam. He was suffocating in an ocean of blood and smoke. The pain was everywhere. He couldn't even pinpoint the source. He was looking through a thin and narrowing tube. He was so-o tired. He just wanted to sleep and never wake up. And when he saw the unconsciousness coming, he readily gave up his tenuous grip on awareness. He could still hear Bones speaking to him. The words were not harsh or accusing. And that was more than enough for him. It was more than he deserved. It was good to hear that soothing voice in these last seconds. Even though he knew, in reality, Bones would hate him. Somehow the imaginary whisper chased away some of his loneliness and self-loathing. He closed his eyes and just listened. Any minute now…. he would go in peace…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The mission to Niurex colony could not have been categorized as easy or even a hopeful one. but no one could predict the depth of disturbance that had been going on for too long on that planet. The reports from Starfleet had pointed out disorder in two major cities and chaos in the economical and political state of the planet.

Citizens were enraged by the incompetency of their leaders. Sickness and hunger had a firm grip on every single one of them. Meanwhile, the planet's leaders did everything they could to repress the angry and desperate people, and show things differently to the Federation agents. However, after enterprise's scan, everyone saw the truth behind the appearances. The whole planet was on the brink of a revolt while Starfleet reports described it all under the sole word of 'unstable'.

"Unstable! For God's sake, they are near a damn civil war!" McCoy burst out when Kirk finished explaining the mission plan in the debriefing room. "And they expect us to turn our backs on them? Right now?" Kirk didn't look surprised to hear his friend's complains. He had been preparing himself for exactly this reaction. "No Bones. It's just to… encourage them to change their behavior. We had warned them before, many times. They had been made aware of the consequences of their actions.

"Unfortunately, the governor insists on continuing his unacceptable actions. The Federation had taken other measures too, to no avail. "

McCoy was now livid with anger. "And how do the Federation propose to win their alliance by banning the entire planet? These people need our help, Jim. They are dangerously dependent on the trade with the Federation. Hunger...poverty ...sickness. They are nearly out of hand down there…" "I understand that…" Kirk cut him off not too gently, but the Doctor raised his voice even more as he continued. "…children, Jim. Think about what this would do to them! You of all people should know..." "Enough, Doctor!" Kirk slammed his fist on the table. Hard. They stared at each other with overt anger. Both red at face.

The silence that settled on the room was oppressive. The only sound was of the heavy breathings of the two. No one seemed to want to direct the tangible rage to him. Spock cleared his voice, and he started to speak in his maddeningly calm tone. "Doctor, I must assure you that the Federation had already considered all those concerns and also other things. However, their offenses cannot be overlooked; The unjust behavior towards their people, use of the trade's income for military purposes when they clearly need it more in other areas, increasing rate of poverty in spite of our more than sufficient financial aids, and also repression of their opposers with force and terror. The list is long, Doctor. As the captain pointed out, this cannot continue. Other Federation allies will start to take the Federation as a supporter for dictators. Hence, the Federation is trying to find a mean to avoid that assumption."

By then, Kirk had regained his composure and spoke in his normal, calm tone. But still as he spoke, he did not meet the doctor's eyes. "Mr. Spock is correct. The Federation had sent other ambassadors to resolve the situation. Reports from the ambassadorial ship Patron says that they have already exhausted all sort of possible solutions for this impasse. So far, nothing has worked. Niurex's government had ignored many of the Federation's treaty laws." Kirk sighed and after a pause, added "Severing our ties was always the last resort."

Scotty felt it necessary at that moment to ask, "what about our trades, capt'n? Niurex is one of our important sources of dilithium crystals." "Yes, that is right. Nevertheless, we need to convince them we are ready to stop buying their products, although that may not be the case exactly. Their economy won't stand that. They can't risk losing their first ally, and The Federation is only trying to persuade them to acknowledge the rules. Hopefully, this added pressure will make them decide their next step wiser."

McCoy was still mumbling under his breath when the captain dismisses them. He could not, for the life of him, understand how Kirk had been convinced to deny a whole planet of provisions for their primary needs. He knew his friend and he implicitly believed in his captain. That was why he had been so utterly shocked to see that food and drugs was also in the list of interdicts. For him it meant just one thing; mass murder, the type where a whole civilization would die very slowly and very painfully; From hunger and disease and civil wars. Jim surly knew all that. But why would Kirk, of all people, follow orders that he did not believe in his heart?

He stayed behind after everyone else left the room to talk with Kirk. "Jim, what's the matter with you? It's not like you to accept any nonsense order they give. You really want to embargo food and medicine too? I thought I knew you!" Kirk did not even lift his head to look at the indignant Doctor throughout his tirade. He merely continued to shuffle through his PADD. McCoy could tell he was not even reading those words. Kirk was just too preoccupied to convincingly pretend reading. He was so uncharacteristically silent.

Spock had also stayed behind and was a silent witness. McCoy didn't care if Spock stayed or left. He was pissed at Kirk's inattention. "Look at me in the eye and tell me. You didn't explain anything about the drug in front of the crew. What was it? Shame? You know they can actually read the mission descriptions! Do you know what they are thinking right know? They will feel betrayed, Jim, because this is not what any of them sign up for. None of them want to be part of a - a..." he stumbled for words to describe his deep disappointment. "…Inhuman act like this!" Kirk was still intently trying to ignore the Doctor. McCoy's words were now outright insulting, yet the captain still wasn't reacting and that made the CMO even more irritated. However, the clench in his jaw and his unseeing stare shouted the captain's turmoil.

Spock stood beside the captain's chair and caught McCoy's attention. "The captain is not including medicine and other vital supplies in the embargo." "What? It's in the mission description! He handed it to every single one of us. How he is not…" McCoy glance down at Kirk, who was now staring at an unknown spot on the table, eyes full of sorrow. "Jim …?" "I would've never done that, Bones. I thought you knew me well enough by now..." the voice did not belong to a starship captain. It was resigned, almost a whisper. McCoy was looking at the captain dumbfounded. Realization dawning slowly in his numb mind and he felt his legs shaking, or was the ship tilting? 'Oh God. Jim…!'

He tried to say something, anything, to repair what he knew he had broken in the man in front of him. He struggled to speak, but he was too distraught with remorse to form words for that. Before he could complete his train of thoughts, the captain stood and turned to Spock. "I'll talk again to the admiralty. Maybe I can convince them that the situation is…" he trailed off, his eyes stayed a little bit too long on the table as he gathered his PADD. "Gentlemen." he nodded to both officers in farewell and left the debriefing room.

When the captain was safely out of earshot, McCoy finally found his voice. "Spock, what's going on here?" Spock lifted an eyebrow and tilted his head slightly "I presume it is quite obvious." "Well, not for me, you green blooded…whatever! Why didn't he tell us about his real plans?" "To avoid a court martial for the rest of the crew, perhaps?"

When the Doctor came out of his stupor, he was alone in the room.

Opinions?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Kirk tried to walk calmly out of the briefing room, and as soon as he was sure he was safely out of sight, he leaned against a wall and closed his eyes. He willed his head to clear. He drew a couple of deep breaths and then moved toward his quarters.

'What's wrong with me today...? Why am I so angry?' he thought. He chastised himself for snapping at his friend. After all, he could have prevented the misunderstanding. He knew too well that the Doctor would never go by such orders. Even he himself wouldn't do that. So, why had he expected his best friend to accept them without questioning them?

No. It wasn't that. He was mad because his best friend should have known… 'My goddamn best friend!'' he forced himself to breathe slower. He was angry. No, he was furious. After all these years, McCoy should have known that he would never, could never, put innocent people in the same situation that…

He pushed the tension out of his shoulders, and forced the images to the back of his mind. His nightmares where annoyance enough. He didn't need those pictures to haunt him in daylight too.

Kirk turned to the other corridor, his crew saluting him respectfully as he passed them. He managed smiles and mumbled acknowledgments. But he couldn't get his mind to focus. He was too distracted and the headache that had been with him for the last few days was now burning fiercely behind his eyes.

The surface scans were almost complete and they were due to beam down in a little under an hour. He had to call the headquarters to inform them of his intentions. Kirk didn't particularly look forward to the communication, since he knew what would transpire the moment he told them that they were wrong, that Niurex was truly desperate for their help, that people would die ….

He didn't have time for anything else, and soon, when he stepped into his quarters, the thought of the Doctor and his own anger had deserted him completely.

The captain ended the transmission with such force that his finger hurt. He stood up and walked unsteadily to his bathroom. 'This is ridiculous… he didn't even listen to me!' He was screaming in his own head as he splashed water to his face.

He looked himself in the mirror. The rage was still burning in his slightly sunken eyes. 'These ignorant admirals are pushing too hard... The situation is explosive… why can't they see that…? Why don't they trust me? Their chosen observer...?'

They had to beam down as soon as possible, while he had time …and yet, he still didn't feel completely ready. He was so tired. The mere thought of the people… children… on that planet, being forced to live a rudimentary life so that their leaders could have all the pleasures, was suffocating him. Niurex used to be very rich. The dilithium crystals were one of many treasures the planet had. Now they couldn't even afford to buy- or build – a decent intra planetary shuttle, pleasure cruises for the leaders excluded.

He was still immersed in his dark reveries when the chime sounded. He was not in the mood for visitors. He had still many things to do… "Come." He heard himself say nonetheless.

The doors parted and a shy Leonard McCoy stood just behind the threshold. Kirk sighed and sat at his desk tiredly. "Hey Bones." There was none of that feverish anger left in him. All these pointless fights had left him drained. Exhausted.

McCoy stepped in gingerly and let the door close behind him. He might as well have felt a change in his captain, because his eyes narrowed as he stepped closer.

Kirk looked resigned. He was staring at an unknown spot again. He didn't offer the Doctor to sit nor did he protest when McCoy draw the chair closer and sat at the other side of the table.

The unnerving silence between them had gone on for a few minutes before McCoy could get himself to break it. "Jim, about back then… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to … you know…" he cut himself abruptly as Kirk's hazy eyes tried to focus on him. He didn't seem to have heard a single word. "Jim?" He was alarmed by the slow reaction of his friend.

"It's alright Bones, forget about it." McCoy sighed. He could see now that something much bigger than their little quarrel was weighing his captain down. He leaned on the table. "What's it Jim? What's going on? Why didn't you tell me …?" "Tell you what? What could you do? What could anyone on this ship do?" his voice was almost a whisper. "Why would you want to know, Bones? You can't prevent starva…" his voice caught at the word. He couldn't bring himself to say it. He knew his words were hurting the doctor. He could see the unspoken pain in those blue eyes. The doctor, and every single crew member on the ship, deserved to know the captain's final decision. His actions would be perceived as betrayal by the crew, and outright mutiny by the Starfleet.

But he was trying to do the right thing. He wanted to protect the people on the planet blew, and his crew. His decision was an act of desperation. He couldn't see any other option.

They were both silent again for a while. The Doctor was speechless. Indeed, what could he do? What could anyone do? No one could do anything, not when this government was dragging the whole planet into ruin. Not until its own people were truly convinced that they should come together and fight back for themselves.

Surprisingly, it was the captain who broke the silence. "They're sending in the Statder."

"A transporter? What for?"

"To bring in the new commander of the Enterprise… the Statder has the official orders to revoke my authority as the captain." Kirk's eyes were haunted. He refused to meet the doctor's eyes. "They grounded me, Bones. In six hours, I won't be the captain…"

McCoy just stared at him. He couldn't believe his ears. But the woeful look on his friend's tired face left no spot for doubts. He was speechless, again. But the captain just needed a listener.

"I'm supposed to lead a diplomatic party to the planet down there, and Starfleet has grounded me…! They are sitting there reading my reports and asking for my observations, and yet these admirals think they fully understand the situation.… they don't believe me when I say these interdicts won't change anything…"

Kirk was agitated and speaking fast. McCoy remained silent and let his friend to steam some of his tension off. "This government won't budge with this kind of threats… Bones, these are just the helpless people getting punished because of their governors… why can't these admirals understand that they will stop at nothing to keep their positions… not even killing their own people… just to shut them down... " His voice was quivering with anger.

McCoy didn't know what to say. He tried nonetheless.

"Then we have to make them understand, Jim. We need evidence, hard evidence. We won't let them take you away from us. We will keep our brash charming captain, no matter what." Kirk smiled mirthlessly at that, but it was still a smile, just as was McCoy's intention.

"I've already done that Bones. I've sent all the information we could get, pictures, video scan results. I've written my report and explained the situation. Even the results from the previous observation parties correlates with ours; that this government needs to go if we are to save the people. But interdiction doesn't do that! This harsh punishment would only push them over the edge. But if my plans work, everything will be alright. But the stakes are too high." His last sentence was a mere gut wrenching whisper.

McCoy gently put his hand on the captain's. "It's not the first time we are in some tight spot and it won't be the last. But we can get through this, together. Now you'd better start trusting us as much as we trust you." Kirk blushed slightly. "I didn't want to put anybody else in this mess." "Don't Jim!" he warned, "We are in this together. Get it? Every single officer on this ship would bet his life on your discretion. They would fallow you into hell itself. Now get a grip on yourself, you've got a ship to run. We gotta show those stupid bastard who's right and who's not." "That's right."

The captain stood up with a vigor he did not possess just a minute ago. At the door, he turned to the CMO, "thanks Bones." McCoy smiled back and nodded. He knew thing weren't getting easier from this point on, but he knew he could face the hell itself if he had a determined James Kirk with him.

Kirk walked to the nearest turbo lift, while McCoy's words were playing over and over in his head. Despite his rather calmer mind, he still couldn't help fearing the outcome of this mission. He didn't want his crew to fallow him through hell. Because if things went south, it would be hell itself. He knew too well he was betting his whole career disobeying in such big magnitude.

He tried to compose himself a little more convincingly before stepping out of the lift and on to the bridge. However, the look his first officer gave him told him he had been read. His eyes were silently offering reassurance. Kirk shook his head in negation, answering the unspoken question. Although he knew Spock already had his answer just by looking at his Captain. Without further explanation, Kirk hit the comm button on his chair's arm rest. "Transporter room, alert the landing party. We'll beam down in ten minutes. Kirk out.

What do you think?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sitting in the large conference room with the delegates of Niurex, Kirk glanced at McCoy on his left who nodded imperceptibly in reassurance, and then at Spock on his right, who under his calm and controlled posture, was as tense as the rest of the landing party attending this meeting. But at least the façade of his calm first officer gave him confidence.

He looked at Niurex governor, V'sder, who sat on the other side of the table. He glanced at the captain from time to time, discreetly gauging him, while pretending to be in the middle of an intense discussion with two of his counselors.

Kirk cleared his throat and everyone fell silent. "Gentlemen, regarding the occurrences of past months, we have come with a message from the Federation for you." Kirk could almost touch the tension in the room. He had everyone's full attention.

"Governor V'sder, we have evidences that in your planet, Federation rules are neglected in major scales." Kirk waited to see his reaction, although what he saw was not unexpected. V'sder scowled deeply at Kirk as if offended by the very sight of him.

"And how exactly did you come up with these evidences of yours? Stealth observation was not in the policy we agreed in our contract." a murmur of agreement erupted in the room. Kirk raised his voice to reach every one over the noise.

"No, there was no stealth observation involved. We have received considerable amount of communications, from your own people, reporting that there are some very severe breaches in the Federation regulations."

He nodded to Spock to supply them with the chip that contained the evidences and continued. "We had also sent in groups of investigators, with your own agreement and of course, previous arrangements, but they were prohibited from entering some of your important establishments, for instance your main armory and prisons. Thus, this led us to believe that the reports were not from 'some insignificant group who enjoy unsettlement' as you had declared them in your previous communication with us."

Governor V'sder and the rest of the delegates were going through the evidences on their own monitors and shaking their heads and whispering to each other, denying the evidences with rage.

V'sder, cut through the chatter that was about to swallow the whole room. "Captain! What is the meaning of this insulting speech?" He was fuming with anger. Kirk tried to keep his voice steady despite the not-so-friendly looks he was receiving from the delegates across the table. He cleared his throat, preparing himself for the hard part.

"Governor this is undeniable that the situation on Niurex needs to be changed. We are trying to help you…"

"No captain. I thank your offer but we have a complete control on the matters. We can handle those minor disturbances nicely."

But Kirk didn't relent. "What can guarantee that you will not repress your opposers again? We have proofs and witnesses who will confirm that your government is responsible for the execution of freedom fighters."

V'sder's harsh laughter was hysterical, almost scary. "So that's what you are calling them now? Freedom fighters? They are terrorists, Captain. A bunch of butchers who destroyed three of our important buildings! They killed people!"

Spock redirected those outraged stares to himself, and for that, Kirk was grateful. "And that is why we insist that a group of nonpartisan come to Niurex and judge the situation. I believe both you and your antagonists will have mutual benefits in this situation."

"Commander, as I stated before, we are completely in control of the situation. There is no need for outside's intervention."

"But the evidences show the otherwise. The rate of crime is alarmingly higher than a healthy society you claim to have. Your economy is almost nonexistent. with the help of the Federation in the last year, you should have been able to improve the condition of your citizens, even marginally. But as we can see the situation is significantly worse than a year ago." V'sder started to shout frantically, "They marauded the supplies you gave us! They are thieves and butchers…"

"And that's another reason that there was incompetency from your side. You were responsible to safeguard the supplies, to execute the ration schedules. The provisions, if used wisely, were more than enough to help you improve the living condition of your people.

Kirk spoke before they were sufficiently out of shock to start shouting, voice as firm as he could muster. "Governor V'sder, I'm afraid the Federation can no longer recognize your government as the legitimate ruler of Niurex. You can either surrender your position and allow a referendum, or we are compelled to ban the trades with your planet."

V'sder and other ministers were shocked, or pretended very convincing to be so.

"What?!"

"You cannot do that!"

"That's outrageous!"

"Impossible!"

Kirk continued, unfazed by the angry yet surprised uproar. His strong confident voice cut through the commotion. "This is an ultimatum, governor V'sder. Niurex must acknowledge the rules in the treaty. By ignoring the laws, you have given the federation of the planet freedom to act as they see fit. If your planet is to remain as a part of the federation, you must acknowledge the rules."

"We did obey the rules!" someone said louder than the other noises in the room. Still, Kirk raised his voice even more and continued.

"The Federation requests a referendum for the new leader. There should be representatives of the Federation observing the process. Every mature citizen should have the right to vote. No one should vote under duress. The competency of the candidates must be determined by neutral third parties. We can also guarantee safety of the election by troopers…"

"What gives you the right to invade our territory with your military forces…?" the first minister sitting next to V'sder yelled.

Spock turned to them this time, voice calm but authoritative. "Let me clear the intentions of this offer. Since the situation of the nation is in turmoil, we merely wish to make sure that the election will be conducted in its righteous manner. This will provide safety for all the parties involved."

But at that point, none of the delegates were listening. The room was filled with shouts and yells of protest. Kirk looked at V'sder, he could practically see the flames behind those brown orbs of his eyes.

"That's blunt disrespect! This planet can no longer tolerate your interference. Your affront is unforgivable!"

Kirk saw it coming. But frankly, Spock's words were the exact things he would have said. And he silently thanked Spock because the looks Spock received from the counselors and ambassadors were so… wild! It made his skin crawl.

By the look of Spock, he could see that he wasn't left unaffected. The rest of the landing party, excluding four security officers that, for the moment, were out of his sight, radiated anxiety. The ministers were speaking among themselves with indignation. V'sder yelled over other accusing shouts.

"This meeting is over, captain! We will seek help elsewhere."

Jim Kirk realized this was the moment things went to hell, but he could do nothing about it. Not even his diplomatic ways or his charm could get them out of this one. He wasn't really shocked. From the very beginning, he knew this mission was doomed to failure. Nevertheless, he had to save the situation and fast. After all, He was still the representative of the Federation.

"Gentlemen! Please! Let me explain …!"

"What is there left to explain, captain? You cleared your evil intentions! You are interdicting this whole planet because you didn't like the way we are trying to manage this dire situation… " Kirk cut him off. So very sick and tired of this innocent façade. "You can see it is not a complete ban. Food and other vital provisions will still be available in ample amount for your people." V'sder jumped to his feet, voice shaking with anger and sadness. "you know this would not be enough. If we cannot trade, then we will not be able to improve our economical state. Today everything became clear. Your Federation is trying to exploit Niurex and it is going as far as mass murdering our women and children. You want us to be dependent. Is that your noble humanitarian Federation you promised us? You are turning your back on us! How can you do this in these days of need?"

Kirk also stood up. Trying to keep his voice leveled. "Governor I must remind you that this situation was fully the creation of this government's incompetency. It can still end here with a very good outcome for everyone. If you care for your people, let then have the chance to choose their leader. If you believe you made no wrong acts, let your people be the judge of that. We are offering our sincere help to alleviate the problems of your people. But you must also acknowledge the treaty rules. We cannot continue to support this government with these behaviors." Kirk's voice was gentle, his eyes soft and understanding. He could tell that not all of this outward show of helplessness was a charade. They were truly desperate for outside aids.

But then, something changed. Kirk nearly believed that V'sder would resign there and then. But it was a naive hope.

The look of helplessness in his eyes vanished and it was like he was transformed to a different man altogether.

"I am the ruler of this planet and I give no one the right to order me to do anything. I say now, and for the record, that I did nothing wrong. It was all in the favor of my planet. I will not take orders from your federation or anyone else. And I shall say ere that I will never resign my position , and see no need for a referendum."

Kirk glanced at Spock, and Spock could read regret and disappointment, even sadness, in his captain's eyes.

"If that is your last call then…"Kirk said in a low voice. He trailed off meaningfully.

"It is. You and your Federation are not welcomed here anymore."

Guards stormed into the room with the slight node from the governor. The Enterprise's crew jumped onto their feet and formed a protective circle against the aggressive guard who surrounded them and closed their exit routes. In a second, the room was full of movement and shouts.

Kirk whipped out his communicator and hurriedly spoke into it. "Kirk to Enterprise, come in. Kirk to Enterprise." But the only reply to his calls was noises of heavy statics. They were greatly outnumbered. "Governor! What is all this for? This will not help your case any."

He tried to maintain a calm front. He looked around himself. McCoy shot him a concerned look.

The guards with pointed weapons were now a few meters away from them.

He tried again "Governor, you will not gain anything by harming my men. We are merely messengers…" The governor was not listening to him. He was whispering something with one of his subordinates. It was unnerving. Kirk subconsciously raised his voice a trifle higher to gain his attention.

"If you are trying to convince us of your well conduct, you are worsening the situation. The Federation will not look kindly on…"

With that, V'sder cut him short with a sharp look. Now I have his attention, Kirk thought with unease. "We do not need your Federation anymore, captain. You see, there are many others who are willing to give good money for our dilithium."

Suddenly Kirk's mouth went dry. "What…?" now he could see that sinister smile again. Before he could utter another word his communicator chirped. He flapped it open in a second. "Kirk here." "capt'n… emergency… beam out… "The Scotsman's voice was fading in and out. Even with the obviously highly boosted signal.

Kirk looked at Spock questioningly, alarm bells going off. The last thing he saw before the sparkle of the transporter began, was the devilish sneer of governor V'sder.

Opinions?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Status report?" Kirk shouted over the klaxon alarm as he and his first officer stormed out of the lift. "Four Klingon war birds, sir. They decloaked a few minutes ago. Their commander wishes to speak with you, sir." Scotty replied as he surrendered the center seat. Kirk sat on his chair and visibly tried to maintain an air of confidence. "On screen, lieutenant"

The Klingon commander's face took the place of star field on the screen. The Klingon commander was a young and strong built officer with a cruel sneer on his face. "Kirk, what a pleasure to see you here!" "Identify yourself and state your business in this territory." Kirk said briskly. The Klingon commander's smirk, if possible, grow even wider. "This is fleet commander Kahidal of the mighty Klingon Empire. As for my business, this planet is no longer a member of your Federation. Ruler V'sder was very intelligent to apply to be a part of the Klingon Empire." Kahidal was roaring, voice brimful of pleasure. "And his request is about to be accepted."

Kirk's deepest fear had come true. He had tried so hard, risked his career, to avoid just this; Klingon's dominance on that planet.

But now one thing was a fact; that V'sder had anticipated the federation's next step and had shaken hand with the enemy behind their back long before this. They were just waiting for the push, to have a good justification, and they had actually jumped at the opportunity.

And, Kirk thought with distaste, the Federation had given them the perfect chance.

He willed his tense muscles to relax. He didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing him defeated. "Commander, soon they will realize what a big mistake they made. You deceived them with false promises. This show how dishonorable Klingons really are."

If Kirk was within the arm reach of Kahidal, he wouldn't have stood a chance. Fortunately, there were oceans of void space between them. The commander stood up abruptly, face crimson and fists shaking with anger. Kirk was about to regret his choice of word. The tense air, though, ended with the harsh laughter of the commander. Kirk glanced sideways at Spock, who also raised an eyebrow in astonishment.

"That was quite amusing, Kirk, You earthling scum speaking of honor. Tell me, Kirk, what does your diminutive human brain perceive of the philosophy of honor?"

Kirk bit on his rather insulting reply, "We know that your empire will not act in a way to benefit the people's situation…" Kahidal burst out laughing again. Kirk was getting really tired of this man. "But your precious Federation did? By banning the entire planet? At least with our trades, the planet will not crumble. You see, we are not so bad after all." Kirk cursed those stupid admirals under his breath. Part of him knew the Klingon's argument was justifiable. Now he had to clean someone else's mess. "Commander Kahidal, you are in violation of the Federation territory. Order your fleet to leave this space immediately."

"Or what? You will blast us out of existence?" he mocked. "If necessary." Kirk replied. He wasn't concern of causing a major scale war anymore. If this planet fell into Klingon's hands, there would be a major scale war anyway. "This sector is mapped as a part of the Federation."

Kahidal smiled wildly at that "Not anymore, Kirk. This is _our_ space, and _you_ are leaving it!" with that the communication ceased and the war began.

Ideas?


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

McCoy had not utter a single word since the security guards had put him in his chair, in this shuttle, and forcefully, strapped him in place.

The cramped compartment and the somber faces of the shocked officers occupying it did nothing to improve his dark mood. But then, what could?

His throat was aching, from anger or sorrow or because of those final desperate screams, he wasn't sure. Nothing mattered now, though. Everything was over.

Jim had made him leave the ship. He had ordered these guards to drag him here.

And now, Jim was dead. The ship exploded.

He was not sure how much time had passed, but that didn't matter either. He was tired of silently glaring the guards down. His eyes were burning with held back tears.

He was bone weary. He just wanted to close his eyes and pretend none of this had happened. That he was still in his office and Jim was still on the bridge, joking with the crew.

They had two injured man onboard. Nothing serious, but yet, no one had asked him to treat them. The nurses could see that the doctor was in no condition himself to do such a thing, and didn't bother the stricken man.

He felt so alone. Empty. Rejected. Not even the hobgoblin was here to …

He kicked himself mentally. As much as he wanted to show the otherwise, he missed his Vulcan friend. He was forced to turn his head and blink rapidly a few times as his eyes began to wet. Spock was dead, and he envied him.

He wished he had been there, with them both, in that last moments. As he had always imagined it would be. He didn't want to be the one left behind. He just couldn't live with it.

There was a hushed conversation in the cockpit, but he just couldn't bother to try to understand it.

Ambassadorial vessel… warp seven…trajectory 93.04.63…repeating…

'A ship? In here? At warp speed? Why is it coming toward us…?'

"Mayday, mayday, this is shuttle Rio from the U.S.S Enterprise, come in…"

He moved from his seat for the first time, and stood behind the pilot's chair. "What the hell's going on?" he asked in his hoarse voice. "It's another vessel coming this way. She is in warp." she turned to her copilot. "No response. Try to hail them again, lieutenant."

And suddenly someone else's voice filled the cockpit. "This is transporter ship Statder. What is your situation?"

The name sounded vaguely familiar. 'Statder...? Statder! … Those bastards…' his breath caught.

"There has been an attack. Four Klingon war birds decloacked in the orbit of Niurex. Our ship sustained heavy damage."

"Klingons?" the sound faded momentarily. There were only muffled whispers for a few second as if he was asking for confirmation of this new information from someone else on that ship. Then the same disembodied voice came again.

"We can detect other shuttles but yours is the closest to the enterprise's last known position. Is captain Kirk in your shuttle?"

"No, sir. He… um, he was still onboard when our shuttle evacuated."

By the mention of his friend, the pang of regret and sorrow in McCoy's chest intensified. _We were the last shuttle and he isn't with us!_ He held his breath against an involuntary sigh. But still, he didn't move from that spot.

The voice faded again, but they could hear other conversations as if coming from a long distance.

"Let me speak with the first officer, then."

"Commander Spock is dead, sir. He was …"

"Alright, anyone else ranking higher than lieutenant…"

Before anyone could stop him, the Doctor hit the comm button on the console.

"This is Doctor Leonard McCoy speaking, chief medical officer. I demand to speak with your commander."

The signal faded for a few seconds before another male voice filled the cockpit.

"This is Commodore Gordon speaking. What is…?"

"Are you the operator of the Niurex mission?"

"No, admiral Tirusia was in command. We have detected the rest of evacuating shuttles. Proceed to the location of star base 10. We have already notified other shuttle pilots."

"We need help here Commodore. We have injured officers onboard." The young pilot in front of McCoy said.

"I understand but I'm afraid we cannot beam you onboard the Statder."

"You can't or you won't?" McCoy bit back. Everyone could hear 'bastard' at the end of his sentence. The pilot shot him a surprised look.

"We are proceeding to the location of the Enterprise. We have our orders. The war zone will not be safe for the injured…"

"But sir, the Enterprise's warp core was in critical state. That's why we..." said the pilot.

"I know lieutenant. Our sensors can still pick it up," He cut the pilot none too politely. McCoy gasped with the strong surge of hope. "And we sure know how to go by the book and keep a safe distance…"

That was just too much for the Doctor. He didn't like the tone of his voice, at all. '_By the book, huh? As if it was them who broke the rules and got themselves into trouble!_' It took every ounce of his will not to shout when he spoke. "Then you know that this mean you have to rescue the survivors…"

"_If_ there are any survivors." Gordon said, cutting McCoy mid-sentence. The Doctor closed his eyes took a deep breath. Then another one. Gradually, he willed himself under his precarious control. "If there are any survivors." His voice was shaking with rage and sorrow. "And you do not have a Doctor on aboard, do you?"

There was a long pause. "Actually, we have three paramedics …" He knew he had him. They had departed in hast and never thought something like this would happen. So McCoy pushed his luck. "But not a senior medical officer, right? Since you guys definitely go by the book, you know that your operation is in violation of about fifty rules of the Starfleet. 'No ship can depart without a senior medical officer onboard.' There is only one way anyone could overlook this…"

"And what is that?" the voice sounded defeated. McCoy let himself smile internally for the first time. "I'm willing to come with Statder to this rescue mission. You can Beam me aboard."

"Why? And let me remind you, this is not a rescue mission…" "My reasons are mine, and there may be survivors. Now, don't waste any more time and beam me aboard." He raised his voice slightly.

There was an unintelligible grunt from the other end and then, the voice of the Commodore came again clearly. "We'll be in transporting range in two point five minutes. Prepare for transport. Statder out." McCoy closed his eyes and exhaled in relief. When he opened them again the pilot and her assistance were looking at him with open mouths.

Comments?


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thank you all who are still following this story and those of you who took the time to leave a comment. It's heartwarming to receive feed backs and it will encourage me to continue this story. So keep sharing your ideas.

Chapter 7

He didn't know how much time had passed. Maybe he had drifted off to blackness at some point, He didn't know. All he could tell with certainty was that nothing felt different. Everything still hurt. Maybe less than it should. He wasn't even fully conscious to feel the pains. A good thing, though. He didn't want to suffer these last minutes.

He was closing his eyes again, when suddenly, there was another sound, other than the klaxon wailing above him. Kirk opened his eyes and tried to pull himself upright a little more. Nothing. His oxygen starved brain was playing tricks on him.

But there it was. Something was forcing its way on to the bridge. Something was behind that dented doors of the turbo-lift. He couldn't move, couldn't shout. He couldn't even see through the thick smoke. 'Everyone has left. I saw to it myself. No life signs had been remained on board.' He had told himself these words over and over since he had opened his eyes near the navigation station. And yet, in front of him was the silhouette form of someone forcing the doors open. He blinked to clear his eyes and when he looked again, someone was kneeling beside him. Shaking his shoulders gently.

He looked at him with effort. His lips were moving but he didn't hear his voice, couldn't make his numb brain to understand them. He was staring at him wide-eyed. Couldn't believe it. His lips formed his name,

'Spock!'

But it didn't made sound. His throat was parched with hot smoke. Spock was looking at him with alarm. Concern was evident on his bruised and bloody face. His eyes searching his captain's, looking for any sign of lucidity.

"Captain, can you hear me? Jim! I am going to move you out. There is no time." He looked at Spock, dazed. 'He had died… the blast had...if he had survived…. . No … why did you come back ...'

A wave of pain cut through his hazy mind. He looked down to find its source. Where the crumpled chair was a second ago, he now could see his leg.

Blood had pooled beneath the disgustingly malformed knee. He saw swift hands warp some blue fabric around his broken knee. He almost blacked out from the pain but those steady hands were fast and as much as possible, gentle. He looked up again. Spock was now inspecting his broken ribs and collar bone.

He wanted to yell _'don't waste time… leave me and go'_, but he couldn't. His pain was eclipsed by his rage. He was madly angry. '_He shouldn't put his life in danger for me… he should save himself…_'

He tried to push him away, to warn him of the danger, but he was deathly weak. Now Spock had put Kirk's left hand around his own shoulder and was pulling him gently to an upright position. His breath caught as the pressure on his broken ribs intensified. He moaned involuntarily, his vision blackened and he swayed. Spock seemed to have noticed for he immediately supported Kirk's weight with the other hand. "I'm deeply regretful about the pain I'm causing, captain. However, we have to leave at once." Kirk nodded and tried to steady himself on his good leg. They moved across the bridge. Spock half carried half dragged him through the dismantled equipment.

"The ship …warp core …." he gasped out with his husky voice. Every step was a new experience of pain. Spock tried to shift more of his weight on his own shoulders. "The chances of me getting there in time was slim. The logical choice was to come for you."

"Where … are we …?" a fit of coughing didn't let him finish his question, but apparently, Spock understood. "As you know, Statder, which is capable of transportation is coming in this direction. It would be in transporting rang shortly. Though, the electromagnetic field of the imbalanced warp core on the ship is interfering with their apparently weak signals." So, they would have to come a lot closer to get an accurate reading, Kirk groaned mentally. He wanted to shout, 'no! Tell them to veer off!' but he could hardly breathe as it was.

Spock noticed his agitation. He could understand its reason and hurriedly tried to come up with something to say with which he could ease his friend's deep turmoil. "Captain, I can assure you that the incoming vessel is well equipped for the situation. Otherwise it wouldn't have entered this sector. "

Kirk was listening with one ear only. He was concentrating on other things, like his next step. He couldn't deny the logic, though.

Now they were standing just a meter from the lift doors. He looked at the slightly parted and badly dented doors that Spock had opened with great force. As if he knew he would find what he was looking for just behind it. 'He had tried so hard to reach me!' Kirk mused with astonishment.

At the door, Spock produced a rope and fixed it around Kirk's thighs and waist. Kirk tried to stay as steady as he could through it all. With the lifts out, they had to take the emergency ladders inside the elevator shaft. He knew what Spock was planning, and he didn't think he could manage it in his present state. He tried to tell Spock not to waste his time but he knew he couldn't persuade him to turn around and leave after what he had gone through to find him. Kirk just couldn't find it in himself to look Spock in the eye and admit that didn't think he could make it out alive. He didn't want to cause any more pain. Even if in the end, Spock would just have to accept the logic…

Spock locked the other end of the rope to the hold-fast that had been secured around his own waist. The captain closed his eyes and tried to calm his labored breathing. He couldn't fill his lungs in this thin and smoky air when every inhale was a fight against coughing. He was doing everything he could just staying upright. He was so-o tired …If he could lie down for one second…

The lift canal was empty. Its chamber stuck somewhere through the ship. "I can carry you on my back, captain, but you have to hold me with your hands." "Spock ..." but before he could protest further, he was positioned on Spock's back. He tried to protect his aching chest against sudden contacts. His injured foot dangling limply. The harness holding his thighs did the rest of the job. A few seconds later, Spock was on the ladder and sliding down.

He tried to hold on a little tighter, Careful not to chock Spock. The slide down took no more than 10 seconds but for Kirk, it was ten seconds from hell. It didn't seem to want to finish. Then suddenly they stopped. The force pulled at his injuries. He winced and tried not to moan. The canal was horizontal now. They had to walk the length of the canal to reach the vertical ladders that went across the neck of the ship. Spock was again helping him to limp to the end of the lift canal. Breathing was becoming impossible, and soon he closed his eyes tight from the sheer agony of it and let Spock steer him.

Spock looked at his captain with concern. Kirk was half dead with pain. His lips were a sick shade of blue. His temperature was alarmingly low, Spock noted. He was almost a dead weight, not even trying to hold onto Spock. His ruined leg was dragging limply on the unforgiving floor and leaving a dark red trace in its wake.

Spock considered carrying him, but with his kind of injury, any extra pressure could worsen his would have to stay for the last resort.

Kirk opened his eyes when they stopped and looked at the hole in front of him with dismay. He was exhausted. He just wanted to lie down and sleep for a month. But he couldn't let Spock down. Not right now. Not after all the trouble he had gone through to find him. '_I have to hold on. For Spock. Don't let all his efforts to be in vain, dammit.'_

Spock felt Kirk's deteriorating mental state. Unconsciously, he held his friend a little tighter to his side, as if to comfort him by his closeness. "We will reach our destination shortly, captain." Kirk nodded with effort. But didn't mention the fact that he had no idea where he was, let alone where the destination would be. Or how he wished Spock would just call him by his name, for one last time, now that everything seemed so final.

Spock had noticed his captain's increasing weakness and was trying to keep him focused. _'We won't stand a chance if I collapse right now.'_ Kirk told himself and forcefully, tried to straighten his aching body a little more. His leg was killing him. He didn't think he could tolerate another near free-fall drop in that dreadful canal, even in this lower gravity.

This slid down was almost like torture, longer than the last one, and required him more effort to maintain his balance on the ropes that supported his thighs and waist. He was clutching Spock's shirt and forcing himself to breathe against the pain. His vision of rapid passing steps was blackening. _'Hold on dammit… hold on …_' but he couldn't take much more. His grip was slackening… he was falling … falling…


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

_'Keep it together …a few more seconds…'_ he forced himself back to consciousness. He couldn't breathe... and the crushing pain in his chest was relentless.

"Jim, hold on! If you let go, we will not maintain the balance." Spock shouted as he felt Kirk's tremulous hands were letting go of his shirt. Kirk closed his eyes tight and griped tighter. He could feel the strain and tension in Spock's body beneath his fisted fingers.

Suddenly, he got it. In his pain dazed condition, he had forgotten that his touch-telepath friend could actually feel every pain and ache in his body with him, sense every time a slight movement put his battered and broken body on fire, as if it was his very own. _'Oh god … Spock…_' he tried to calm his mind, to somehow, anyhow, stop feeling the pain. But it was impossible. This time, Spock tried to reduce the speed gradually, but it was still too much for him. He moaned involuntarily and let go of Spock as his body went limb from the enormity of the strain.

The jolt of another immense wave of pain brought him back to there and then. He realized that Spock had snatched the front of his already shredded golden shirt in the last second and was pulling him through one of the lift doors. He took Spock's hand and tried to help him in coming out of the canal. When they both finally stood in the corridor- though he was leaning heavily on Spock- he muttered "Spock... I'm sorry…" Spock untangled the ropes and put Kirk's left hand around his own shoulder. "Captain, you are not to blame. We have to go. There is no time."

Kirk looked around with difficulty. They were now in the neck of the Enterprise, the part that connected the saucer to the body of the ship, in one of the corridors that led to the escape pod storage rooms. He could see the plan now. Spock wanted to use the escape pods and shoot themselves out of the ship.

But for the life of him, he just couldn't walk anymore. He wanted to say so but it was Spock who started first, "I will carry you the rest of the way, Jim."

With that, Spock scooped him up in his arms and started walking. Despite the warning, the pain came as a surprise. A gut wrenching moan escaped his throat and his head rolled back painfully. Spock looked at the limp, broken figure in his arms and willed his legs to carry him faster. He walked the length of the corridor that led to the auxiliary launching room, heart pounding with dread and concern. Kirk was now almost unconscious. His breathing was rapid and labored. He couldn't even cling to Spock anymore from sheer exhaustion. Spock held him tighter as he was about to keel a few times.

The door was partly open. "Jim, we are there." he encouraged. Kirk opened hazy eyes. Spock pushed the opening a bit wider. And then, they stepped inside.

The room was in utter chaos. It was one of the weakest parts of the ship that had been targeted during the battle. Kirk looked around. Nothing was in one piece.

'_No … can't be..._'

Spock was taking him to one corner, and then he saw it too. One emergency escape pod, blackened and dented pretty badly, but it seemed functional. Spock's scans confirmed that. He let Kirk sit on its only chair. He was grateful for the small respite. His leg felt like it was dropping right off. He gritted his teeth as a particular shift of his leg almost pushed him beyond the edges of consciousness again, then closed his eyes and let himself be relax for one second. Spock powered up the environmental system and quickly checked a few more things before stepping out of the pod.

Kirk opened his eyes abruptly and grabbed his arm "where…are you…?" he wheezed. "As you can see captain, this is a one-man pod. There is not enough space for…" but Kirk was not listening. He was shaking his head as if to cut Spock off. "No … can't stay… have to come…" he started coughing. Spock noted the red blood on Kirk's sleeve as the captain whipped his lips feebly. Spock waited patiently, until the fit subsided. "Jim, look at me," there was an uncharacteristic pause. Then he continued in a slightly softer tone. "I will endeavor to find another mean to escape…" but Kirk was delirious. The pain didn't leave much rationality for him.

He was struggling to come out of the pod but wasn't succeeding. He was fighting Spock's restraining hands and holding onto him at the same time. He started coughing again, bringing up more blood. He looked at Spock's face, a painful glint in his eyes, and whispered, voice shaky with such anguish that tore at Spock's heart, "don't…do this… to me …go … let me die … with her …"

Spock couldn't take much more. He reluctantly pushed past his captain's flailing hands and reached for his neck. Kirk's tense body slackened and dropped back onto the chair the next moment.

Spock closed his eyes for a second and exhaled deeply. He had never enjoyed nerve-pinching his friends, specially this one. Nonetheless, if it meant that his captain would live, well...

As Spock was fastening the safety belts for Kirk, his eyes lingered for one long second on his friend's pale and drawn face. '_He will live._' he told himself again for what seemed like the hundredth time as he closed the hatch and went to shoot the pod mechanically out of the ship. He reached for the manual control. They were functional. Partially. He couldn't so much as shoot the pod. It seemed as if forcing it out with much less speed would have to do.

He watched the pod until it was undetectable. When it was securely in open space, he realized that his mind was at ease after so long a time. Since he had come around in the backup batteries control room after the hideous explosion in the engineering section, he had not allowed himself to think about anything but the captain's well-being. Even his own pains slamming at his shields, begging for his attention, could not distract him from trying to find a way to reach the bridge and consequently, his captain.

He was still manually operating the already damaged backup stations when the Klingon's disrupter passed through the perilously weakened shields. The shock wave had thrown him against a console hard enough to fade his vision to blackness. The next thing he remembered was the frightened shouts coming from his communicator. He could tell he had been out for at least a few minutes.

The violent explosion had badly damaged the engineering, and he knew that another hit on the same spot could be the end of them. The deck had sustained heavy damage, and they were losing air to multiple hull breaches. Automatic systems shut down the hatches that led to the damaged deck and at the same time shut whoever was there to die in the hard vacuum.

Many had died. He could still hear their screams and cries trough the comm as they were running for their lives, asking the bridge crew for direction, to know which corridors had been closed off and which one were safe to take. Sometimes they even pleaded anyone who could hear, for help.

He could also remember the captain's firm but rueful voice as he yelled at them, tried to help them escape the dying decks, And then his frantic shouts as he ordered the evacuation.

There was nothing he could do from here. He was stuck behind jammed doors. All systems were shutting down one after another. Lights were flickering on and off. Soon, the life-support systems would give out too. The ship was shaking beneath him, and he knew Kirk was using up the last of their power to hold back the Klingons, buying precious few more seconds to allow the crew to evacuate. And still, the enemy fires rocked the ship every once in a while.

All this strain on the damaged engines had caused the warp core to get critically over loaded. His communicator couldn't raise the bridge. He was trapped in the room. He had to get out.

He was trying to forcing his way out, when another tremendous blast shook the ship and sent him to oblivion again.

The second time, he woke up to pain and… silence. It was an eerie one. He took a breath to calm his uneasy emotions and also his pain. There were not even the flickering lights. The darkness and that unnerving silence were disconcerting, had he been out that long? He couldn't hear shouts and curses and running footsteps through the communicator any more.

Instead, there was another noise. A small cracking noise, like a communication signal struggling to establish a contact. He could hear low chatters. He had lost his communicator in the explosion. He crawled to the source and groped for it in near complete darkness. His portable communicator, with which he was reporting to the bridge, was on the deck near a smoking unit. Now he could distinguish the voice from interferences

/…terprise… in… answer if… ETA 21.3 … Enterprise come…/

He had to deliberately steady his quivering voice before speaking, raising his voice enough to be detectable through the interference.

"This is the Enterprise. The ship has sustained heavy damage and lost power. Requesting assistance…" He trailed off as he realized that his signal was not getting through the interference. He put the comm aside and set his mind to find a way out.

A ship was coming to rescue. He thought quickly for his possible destinations; Engineering or the bridge.

Given the state of the engineering section and its sealed corridors, His chances in reaching the reactor chambers in time were minuscule. The next logical course of action was saving possible survivors. The captain.

He chastised himself for thinking of his friend in that manner. He knew Jim was alive, and he realized then that he would do anything to keep him that way. Even if that included opening a sealed door to a decompressed corridor.

His tricorder told him that the pressure in the hallway beyond was slightly lower and still dropping.

'_A small rupture then_,' he thought. He readied himself and pushed the sealed doors apart. But they wouldn't budge. They were dented and also under slight air pressure from inside. He tried again, with more power stemming from sheer urgency. His fingers went numb but he just kept on. As they slowly parted, the whistle of escaping air intensified. Now he needed to be quick. The air was much thinner, and although it was not dangerous, he didn't want to stay there too long. He ran for the turbo-lift door and used his tool to open it. As soon as he was in the lift canal, he closed the door behind him to keep the oxygen from escaping.

When he balanced himself on the ladder, he allowed himself to exhale in relief. Now the rest was simple. The canal had many branches, and one of them led to the bridge.

Comments?


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

When the transporter beam released him, Doctor McCoy stepped off the transporter pad, hands clutching his med kit nervously.

Beside the operator, there was no one else in the room.

"Doctor, Commodore Gordon expects you on the bridge."

McCoy left the transport room without a single word. He moved along the corridors without really looking around. His mind was whirling around other things. The layout of the ship was so very similar to the Enterprise in so many ways that stepping into lifts and walking along the corridors was like a mental torture. He felt like suffocating. Every corner reminded him of the home he had just lost and the friend that had come to be his family.

He got the impression that Statder was considerably smaller than the Enterprise, yet the design indicated a newer technology.

He didn't want to think about the ship. He forced his mind not to notice the similarities. He just wanted to get to the bridge and have a few words with that Commodore. In an uncivilized way, preferably.

The corridors were empty. Since he had left the transporter room, he had not seen another officer. When he reached the bridge, except for a few essential stations, almost all the consoles were dark and unmanned.

A man, whom the Doctor assumed was Commodore Gordon, was sitting in the center seat and conversing with another man. Gordon turned with the whoosh of the doors and stood up as he saw the Doctor.

"Doctor McCoy, how are you?" McCoy didn't answer. His mind refused to function properly. Gordon noticed, and after a second of hesitation, chose to try again to get the doctor's attention. "I'm commodore Gordon and this is my first officer lieutenant Russ. Now that you are here, I have a few questions for you."

McCoy went a few steps closer. He couldn't answer. As if he had forgotten how. He noticed Lieutenant Russ and commodore Gordon's concerned stares. Gordon continued. "I have spoken with some of the crew of the Enterprise on our way. We have little information about the incident that led to the evacuation of your ship. You were there. Tell me what happened exactly?"

As is something finally clicked into place, McCoy looked at him with uncovered enmity for a few seconds before speaking. "They sent you to take Jim's place, didn't they?"

"Captain Kirk was severely endangering the mission. His actions were completely out of character. The admiralty had no option but to remove him of command. Unfortunately I can see that we arrived too late."

McCoy took a threatening step closer. "He tried to avoid this disaster, dammit! He tried to protect innocent lives! He tried to tell the admiralty they were wrong! Admiral Tirusia must take the responsibility for this disaster!"

"Doctor McCoy, I know you're in shock still," Gordon's voice became gentle, "But I need you to pull yourself together and behave like the Starfleet officer you are." A pause. "Now try to think clearly. Was captain Kirk exhibiting any signs of stress lately? Depression? Lack of attention? Short temperedness? Or changes in behaviors? "

It took the doctor a good five second to understand Gordon's question. And when he did, he was livid.

"Are you implying that Jim was crazy? Did you even bother to read his reports?" he took a shaky breath. "Jim knew this would happen. He was not sure, but he was right. He was right all along..,"

His voice trailed off as if he was talking to himself. Gordon narrowed his eyes. Something didn't sound right here.

"Captain Kirk knew what?" McCoy slowly turned toward him, trying to focus his mind and understand the question.

"He knew that stupid governor wouldn't budge. Now I'm beginning to think it was all planned before. They were goading the Federation to take a harsher step so they could take benefit from it and revoke the treaty..."

An ensign shouted excitedly, preventing any reply from the Commodore. "Sir! I'm picking up the ship… warp core critical… no life support … and sir, another ship too… It's Klingon!... I can also detect considerable amount of debris… it seems like the remains from bird of preys!"

Gordon had whirled toward him and was by then at his side. "Status on the remaining Klingon ship!"

"She is also drifting powerless, sir. But they have life support."

"Scan for life signs aboard the Enterprise."

"Sir, we will be in sensor range in another one minutes thirty seconds. There has been no answer to our hails."

'Come on Jim. Where are you?' McCoy pleaded internally.

Long seconds passed in silence. McCoy was staring at the screen, heart thrumming in his ears. "Sensor range reached, sir but I can't get a reading. There is too much interference."

His breath caught. Not fair. To hope so much just to watch as it crushes in front of you

"Sir, we have now reached the minimum safety distance. We can't get any closer."

"Thank you lieutenant."

"Now what?" McCoy faced him, voice low with despair. "Nothing, Doctor. What do you want me do? If we cannot use our transporter, then there is nothing else we can do. I cannot endanger my ship and crew for…"

"Sir, I think I'm picking up something else." The ensign occupying the science station shouted. Both Commodore and the Doctor were beside his console the next moment. He looked up from the reading, an uncertain look in his eyes. "It's small. Looks like a pod. It came out of the Enterprise."

McCoy and the Commodore looked at each other for a second before Gordon started ordering his crew. His voice slightly high pitch with the excitement. "Tractor beams! Pull it in now, ensign. Shuttle bay one."

McCoy was already in the turbo lift before the order was fully out of the commodore's mouth. His heart was pulsing fiercely with dread of what he would find in the shuttle bay.

Suddenly, the red alert sounded. The bridge was enlivened with activity. Before the lift doors were fully closed, McCoy heard an ensign's panicked shout. "Three Klingon vessels heading toward us. ETA ten minutes-"


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter10

McCoy was running toward the shuttle bay. He wished he had asked for those paramedics before storming out of the bridge. Whoever was in that pod, if still alive, would definitely need medical attention.

Gordon's voice could be heard in every corner of the ship, shouting for battle station. But McCoy was all doctor now, the only thing he could think of, was his patient.

When he came to a stop in front of the shuttle bay doors, medical kit ready in his sweaty hands, the compression process was almost complete. He hurried toward the damaged and blackened pod and forced its doors open.

Somehow he wasn't entirely surprised when he saw the occupant. He sighed in relief as he scanned Kirk. He was alive but he was in a bad shape. Other than his bloody left leg, his breathing also seemed disturbed. His short gasps had an unmistakable wheezing sound. Kirk was unconscious but his quick scan showed he was stable. For now.

The doctor opened his med kit and started working on the damaged knee. Not much he could do now, the bones were completely shattered and dislocated. His bloodshot eyes were burning again. He couldn't curse him like he always did when Kirk was injured. This time it had been too close. He had almost believed him to be dead.

He looked at his friend's pale face from where he was kneeling, and then had to look down again before he would lose himself to his warring emotions.

The damage to the knee was extensive. He tried to fix the ruined knee as best as he could under the circumstance, but it needed surgery. He tore at the blood soaked fabric around it and bandaged the wound to immobilize it so he could get him to med bay.

He was almost done when Kirk moaned and stirred. McCoy took Kirk's shoulders in his shaky hands, "Jim! You're with me?" "Spock?" Kirk whispered, eyes still close.

Any other time, McCoy would have been annoyed for being called 'Spock', but now, he only swallowed against the lump in his throat and called louder, relief flooded him as he got response. "Jim? Open your eyes. Look at me. Come on."

Kirk focused sluggishly on the doctor's blue eyes, "Bones? Where…?" McCoy shot him with a painkiller and tri-ox. His wince faded somewhat. "We are in the Statder. I have to get you to sick bay. Your lung needs immediate treatment…" Kirk was in control of himself now and cut the doctor off, "Where is Spock?" McCoy swallowed with effort. "Spock? Jim, he's gone…" "No… he's alive… He got me out… He is still in there!"

Kirk tried to get out of the chair but he was deathly weak and only managed to lean dangerously forward. The doctor caught his shoulders. "Jim, stay still. I'm gonna call for those paramedics so we can get you to that blasted med bay of theirs." "Not right now, Bones… " Kirk wheezed inaudibly. "I have to go to the bridge. I …" he was becoming breathless. His pallor was getting bluefish on his lips. McCoy shot him with another dose of tri-ox. Knowing that this only helped for a Short time and only marginally So.

"No Jim. You're in no condition to march around. Not this time." But Kirk wasn't listening. He was badly short of breath. He couldn't argue any more, but he could still make his point. He tried to stand again, and this time with only a sway, he somehow stood up, or rather leaned completely on his friend. And McCoy saw no choice but to support him.

_'He never listens. I should have kept him sedated until we reached the star base.'_ McCoy thought angrily. He saw no other choice but to help him get out of the pod.

Now that they were in the corridors, the captain saw the red alert flashes. He turned on his good foot to look at the doctor. "What's going on?" "Heard something about Klingons… "

Kirk pushed himself toward the lift. Although McCoy was supporting most of his weight, his foot was screaming with pain. Nonetheless, he staggered on.

_'This changes everything,_' Kirk thought, his head was buzzing annoyingly. _'If their backups are this close, then the Statder is in danger too.'_

Kirk tried to push his pains aside. McCoy's painkiller and his work on his knee had done wonder, but he was still weak and dangerously unsteady. He had to get to the bridge while he had time.

His ship was going to explode. And Spock, alive, was still aboard her. And if the Klingons reached them, Statder had no chance against the odds.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank you for reviewing. I appreciate your comments.**

* * *

Chapter 11

McCoy was worried. Kirk had not stopped since he had regained consciousness in that pod. He was still in a lot of pain. Hell, he would have been in deep shock had it not been for the adrenalin surge and the medication. And yet he was pushing himself harder than ever.

Kirk leaned on McCoy a little more as he tried to recapture his breath while they stood waiting in the lift to reach the bridge.

"You OK Jim?" "Fine Bones. I just need to talk with the commodore... The ship is in danger." "I'm sure he knows that much. Jim, you need to-" McCoy was grumbling and Kirk cut him off.

"I mean the Enterprise." McCoy was puzzled. The ship was the least of his worries. He shifted his grip on Kirk to help him stay upright. "Danger? But-"

The elevator doors parted and revealed a very busy bridge. Red lights flashing and officer reporting. On the main screen was the magnified image of the Enterprise and beside it, three red dots, indicating enemy vessels, were moving fast toward it.

Commodore Gordon turned to face them, a look of pure surprise on his face. And McCoy gave him the right to be surprised.

They looked as if they had escaped from a war zone. Kirk all red and black, supported by the doctor also covered in the same colors.

"Captain Kirk! Glad you made it alive. How are you? I have many questions to ask you once this all is over." Kirk took a few unbalanced steps toward him.

"What is the situation?" before Gordon could say anything, lieutenant Russ shouted, "sir! The Klingons had made it to warp one point five. They are decreasing their speed. ETA two minutes."

Gordon ordered, very calmly, "Lock phasers on the ship."

"No!" Kirk shouted, thrusting himself forward violently. "You can't destroy my ship!" he was yelling with as much vehemence as his over taxed body could contain.

McCoy was looking dumbfounded as his eyes roamed between the commodore and the captain. Kirk was panting and was sickeningly pale. Cold sweat glittered on his soot and blood covered face. It made the doctor in him cringe. He looked at his friend closer. 'Was Gordon right? Had Jim really lost it? No… not possible… but, what is he talking about? What is going on here?'

They were locked in a silent battle for five long seconds. It was the commodore who spoke first. His eyes never wavered from Kirk's, but his words were not for him.

"Ready to fire on my mark."

Kirk was shaking, from acute exhaustion or anger, McCoy didn't know. But his eyes were ablaze. "You can't do this!" He wheezed in a voice very unlike his normal confident, commanding one.

"It must be done, captain." Gordon's voice was low, gentle. And very final.

McCoy couldn't believe his ears. 'Is this really happening?' He held the captain's arm a little tighter to ground his own spiking anger. He found his voice at last, "You came this far to blast the fleet's flag ship out of space? Is that the best you can do? For god's sake, are you out of your minds? Why don't you tow it back?"

"Impossible. The core is unstable. And even if we could do that without endangering my ship, with the ship on tow, we can't reach a speed fast enough to out run the Klingons. I'm sure captain Kirk already knows all of these." he was still looking at Kirk, as if explaining this all to him and asking for understanding.

The look on Kirk's face was a mixture of anger, sadness and even understanding, but far from acceptance.

"There is a way... if you transport the core out-"

"We have also thought of that before. Too much interference. We cannot get a lock. Besides, the core in its current state is too unstable. We can't risk using the transporter, and that is if we could turn off core's shielding mechanism."

"Then beam me there... I'll try to eject it out of the ship."

"Again, not possible. Our transporter beam can't reach into the ship."

Kirk moved one step closer, the doctor still clutching his arm, "My first officer is out there, alive... You can't kill a Starfleet officer." Gordon shook his head, "I regret the outcome. I'm sure Commander Spock would understand the situation. But the technology and information on that ship is too sensitive to fall into enemy hand. - did you get a lock on the engineering section?" Gordon was beside the officer manning the phasers.

McCoy couldn't understand why they wanted to destroy a wreck ship. Why not just get back right now? And did his fuzzy mind get it right that Spock was there alive?

"Don't do this. There has to be another way." McCoy felt like something broke his heart as he heard the frustration and helplessness in Kirk's voice. He was not used to that tone in Jim's voice. He wanted so badly to change the situation. But there was nothing he could do.

It wasn't fair. McCoy felt Kirk shivering beside him.

Not fair.

Gordon turned back to face them again. He looked apologetic, even sad. "I'm really sorry, captain. The information must be destroyed. It is protocol to make sure nothing can be retrieved by the enemy." he paused to let his words sink in.

"Don't… Don't do this…" he shook his head. The captain knew, logically, that it had to be done. In the same situation, he would have done the same thing. But it was still too painful to stand there and do nothing, just watch your beautiful ship destroy along with your best friend.

A family, even. If not in blood, then in soul.

He closed his eyes.

Spock…

All my fault…

He opened eyes full of pain and grief.

I'm sorry…

The look in Kirk's eyes was one of those sights that McCoy was sure would haunt him to the end of his days.

Gordon turned to the navigator and in a lower voice ordered, "Fire."

The image of the Enterprise was replaced with a huge cloud of blue fire, just before the sensors went dead and the smaller ship shook violently from the shock wave of the explosion.

**000**

**tell me what you think?**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Kirk staggered. Not from the sudden quack of the deck beneath his throbbing leg, but from the overwhelming feeling of loss. McCoy caught him just in time and steered him toward one of the empty chairs. Kirk, if possible, looked even paler than before. He was staring at the now blank view screen as if still seeing the blue fires that consumed his ship.

Gordon had not looked nor come close to the two stricken man. He couldn't bear the air of despair. The feeling of guilt was threatening to consume him as it was. This mission had turned out to be one of his most disquieting one.

"Sensors have overloaded, sir. We only have optic visual. But the Klingons should arrive and assume orbit around Niurex in fifty seconds."

Gordon didn't acknowledge. He was studying the jumbled readouts with unnecessary intensity. Anything to get his mind to focus. They were deaf and blind in the middle of enemies. And that was not a very promising situation.

The doctor still couldn't believe what just happened. It felt like a nightmare. Everything happened so fast. The whole day seemed like a grotesque dream he couldn't wake up from.

McCoy looked at Kirk with concern. The captain had not yet recovered from his stupor And McCoy knew his physical condition had something to do with it. His breathing was shallow, rapid. His stare blank.

If he was still in shock, felt weak and unsteady with the trauma of the day, it all would definitely pale in the face of the agonizing stress that was crushing Kirk.

And he couldn't afford it. Not in this state.

If only he could do something.

"Jim, let's go down. There is nothing for us here. Let's get you to-" "No Bones," Kirk whispered, just as the doctor's hand reached for his arm to help him up. "I want to stay."

McCoy could understand. He didn't insist anymore. Kirk needed some time to come to terms with this. But the doctor in him was restless. He needed to treat his patient.

He knew Kirk. He knew he would not rest until everybody was safe and sound. But he also knew that this helplessness was killing him slowly and relentlessly.

Gordon's orders came from across the bridge,"Plot a course for star base 10. Go to warp eight the moment we have full long range sensor capability."

"yessir."

"...There must be an error. It can't be," the navigator was muttering to himself, "but I thought ..."

"What is it ensign?" Gordon snapped impatiently. "Sir, the computer has not recorded any information about phases being shot." "What? The ship out there exploded!"

"Yes, sir. But apparently the computer had already lost its target and therefore, did not execute my command to fire."

"What do you say? That Klingons fired first? "

"No sir, it seemed like a warp core explosion. And I can still read the enterprise's signature."

"What? Cancel that last order. I want to make sure that ship is destroyed."

Kirk pushed himself weakly out of the chair, his eyes was still glued to the screen, as if seeing something others could not. Or maybe just waiting for something to appear there.

"Scanners are now fully back online, sir."

A moment later, on the screen was the vast stretch of space filled with debris and particles of destroyed ships, Four Klingon war birds and his Enterprise, intact.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

'Spock,' was the first thing Kirk muttered after seeing his ship. A frail but mischievous grin played on his drawn face.

She was damaged, dented and blackened, sliced even in places but she was there and whole.

McCoy was cursing under his breath while the rest of the bridge crew tried to make sense of their readings.

"The remaining Klingon ship has been critically damaged in the warp core explosion. The three new comers are in orbit and carrying out rescue."

Kirk took a calming breath.

He could breathe again. He didn't feel the terrible suffocation anymore. He had purpose again. Something to do. He had to save Spock and fast. But first, he had to get everyone to safety.

"Commodore, we have to take the ship back on tow." Kirk said, voice firmer than he thought possible. "The warp core has been ejected. Your ship is in no danger!"

Gordon turned and faced him. He was staring at the captain as if he thought Kirk has lost his mind. Apparently the intense look he received convinced him the otherwise.

"I still don't understand how it all happened, but what about those Klingons? They will not let us go! We are out matched in every way."

Kirk hesitated. McCoy saw the all-consuming self-doubt in his eyes. He squeezed his arm and nodded in encouragement.

Kirk shivered with the enormity of his emotions. _'After all this, Bones still believes in me!' _

_'I can't fail you again, Bones.'_

Kirk turned to Gordon again and summoned the courage to do what he knew was the best possible solution.

"Put your tractor beam on her, I'll try to get us out of this." Then, when he saw Gordon's hesitation, added, "If it didn't work, you can still shoot my ship and then jump to warp."

"We can't let them know Kirk is here commander! It will only worsen our situation. It's suicide! " Russ exclaimed, trying and failing to keep his opposition hidden.

Kirk gave them the right to be doubtful. The risks were high.

But they didn't have time for an argument. If they were to survive this, they needed to work together.

Besides, they didn't have another workable plan in which they survived.

"I have a plan. You have to trust me."

"How can I, captain? As much as I respect you, I cannot trust your judgment right now. You are emotionally compromised -"

"I know Klingon warriors, commodore. I can see a way out of this."

"What is it? I have to know your plan! I cannot endanger anymore lives."

Kirk winced inwardly.

No. He couldn't do this again. He didn't want to gamble innocent lives over something he _believed_ to be the solution. He couldn't have any more blood on his hands.

It was McCoy who spoke, "We don't have time for an explanation. Jim can handle them... look, there are three of them and one of us. They won't let us go. Your ship cannot keep at a high warp for a long time, now can she? And it doesn't have enough shielding and fire power."

Gordon mused over the idea for a split second.

The good doctor was right. _Statder_ was not a warship. She couldn't handle a three to one battle against fully armed Klingon ships.

The truth was, despite everything, he did want to trust Kirk. Even now. He knew Kirk had saved his ship in much worse situations. He had invaluable experience with aggressive Klingons. If anyone could save them, it would be Kirk.

He was just stuck between his orders and his admiration for the man.

It was now or never. They didn't have time. He had to decide fast. Either it would work, or all of them would be reduced to atoms. He nodded to Lieutenant Russ, "activate tractor beam. Be ready for emergency warp eight. Keep the shields at maximum strength."

"But sir-"

"Don't argue with me, lieutenant."

Russ looked bewildered. He opened his mouth but didn't say anything else.

"We can reach warp one safely with the Enterprise on tow, sir." the helmsman said

"The Klingon ship is hailing us!"

Kirk was clutching the back of the command seat to stay on his good leg. McCoy stood to his left at ready just in case.

Kirk took as deep a breath as he could. He tried to keep his doubts and fears under. _'This better work or it would be the end of us.'_

"Go to one fifth impulses and then put the Klingon through."

"But that will put us in poor tactical positions and with the beam draining our powers..." Russ exclaimed from science station.

"We already are in a bad position with three battle cruisers surrounding us." Kirk said patiently.

With the somewhat reluctant gesture of the commodore, the ship vibrated slightly as they activated tractor beam, and then the face of a Klingon filled the screen.

"Where do you think you are escaping, you Federation scum! You are going to pay for your crimes. You have destroyed Klingon vessels. Surrender now or prepare to die, dishonorable traitors!"

"They have locked weapons on us. Our shields are still not fully recharged."

Kirk nodded to the communicating officer, "This is James Kirk, captain of the U.S.S Enterprise. We are in a middle of a rescue operation. This ship is a non-military vessel. You cannot open fire on us during a rescue mission."

"Kirk! It is you! You are responsible for all this. You must pay Klingon blood with your own!"

The deep hatred and disgust in that voice made his heart sink. Gordon moved as if to talk with the Klingon himself. The situation was explosive enough. He shouldn't have let Kirk speak. He should have known the Klingons would vaporize the ship if they had the slightest doubt Kirk was aboard her. What was he thinking, letting Kirk speak? It was a big, big mistake.

But it was much too late for him regret. Now he just had to sit back and pray not to die very painfully. Because at that moment, he was sure of his impending death. Now their last hope was Kirk's plan.

"Go to one half." Kirk whispered to the helmsman, and continued aloud: "It was only an act of defense"

"Stop right now! Lower your shields and get ready to be boarded or be destroyed."

"All ships have locked weapons on us. They are preparing tractor beams!" Someone to his right muttered. "Full impulse." Kirk muttered back.

"Commander, don't you think it is dishonorable to shoot a defeated, retreating enemy in the back?" Kirk said aloud, with as much arrogance as his weak voice could carry, "I mean, where is the glory of conquering an opponent who has already been weakened by another warrior. Are you that pathetic? Can't you win your own battle without help?" he was almost yelling. The officers on the bridge were gaping at him with a mixture of fear and disbelief.

Many emotions, ranging from explosive anger and black murder to almost human admiration, appeared across the Klingon's face.

"Kirk, you are a worthy opponent. I will enjoy destroying you and your ship. I want and _will_ have _all_ that glory to myself. Leave now. We _will_ meet again and that day, I will kill you in the Klingon's way. This is not my war to finish. You will die by _my bare hands_. You will look into my eyes and know that your killer is commander Kwaale, of the mighty Klingon Empire!" The transmission ended with that.

"Go to warp now." Kirk whispered weakly. His face was rapidly losing its color.

He bit back his moan and staggered just as the ship went to warp. McCoy griped his arm. "Give me something, Bones… to keep me on my feet for… a few more minutes."

"Jim, you need to lie down! I must treat your wounds immediately! I'm not going to let you kill yourself!" McCoy hissed from between his teeth, not wanting others to hear this particular conversation, and seeing Jim in his most vulnerable. Kirk was practically destroying himself. He knew It was only the adrenaline surge that kept him alert and on his feet.

But Kirk merely whispered. "I need to see this through. And besides," a sad smile played on his ashen lips, "a few more minutes won't make that much difference for me."

_'It makes a difference for me, dammit!_' Every time he saw that look on Jim's face, he knew he had to surrender. That looks of determination which also asked for understanding. McCoy shot him with another dose of painkiller and stimulant.

_'Why can't you understand, Jim? It's killing me, watching you like this._'

With his new found strength, Kirk forced himself to stand upright, ignorant of the doctor's turmoil.

He didn't seem convinced the Klingons would let them go that easily. Apparently his concerns were justified.

"We are being followed sir. Two Klingon ships. Maintaining distance and matching our speed. Weapons only on standby."

"Very well. Let them escort us but don't lower our shields."

"Aye, aye sir."

The bridge crewmen were still in shock. They couldn't believe what just happened.

Five minutes of anxious waiting passed in silence. Then the helmsman reported, "The Klingon ships are dropping their speed, letting us go."

Gordon had kept a respectful distance from the two men for the past minute or so, but turned to face them with the captain's voice. "Commodore, my first officer is still aboard the Enterprise, now we should be able to beam him out."

"Scan for life signs."

"got'em. It's weak. Locking on it."

"Energize."

"If you don't mind, commodore Gordon, I want to see my first officer."

Gordon was about to object but the doctor didn't give him the chance. He helped Kirk toward the lift and said, "Tell your paramedics to come give me a hand, will ya?" he said before leaving the bridge with Kirk limping and panting beside him.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Kirk groaned and collapsed against the turbo lift wall, his eyes closed tightly. McCoy grabbed him in the middle of his slid to the floor. "Dimmit, I'm taking you to sickbay right now." McCoy said with alarm.

Kirk shook his head, "No…I'll go myself … go to Spock." "You sure you can make it there?" Kirk nodded. He closed his eyes tighter against the pain. His wheezy breathing disturbed the doctor. He coughed painfully and sputtered some blood.

With the recede of the adrenaline, the severity of his condition was showing itself.

McCoy was relieved when the doors opened and he saw three novice and very nervous paramedics waiting for the lift.

"You! Take him to sick bay," he shouted to the first one, pointing to the unsteady captain, "Start routine checkups and first aid. Monitor his vitals. The rest of you, with me. move!"

Three anxious 'yessirs' could be heard. Jim would be where he belongs, the doctor assured himself. The captain didn't even protest as he was helped out of the lift, and that worried McCoy even more. He just turned back and said, with his eyes only, '_save him_.' And then was carried out. He nodded back, as reassuringly as he could.

The lift doors closed. Two apprehensive, and he guessed, inexperience paramedics, stood with him in the lift. He was more than concerned for Jim but he couldn't afford to dwell in it. '_He's gonna be fine_,' he repeated to himself like a mantra. '_But now I have to go save the hobgoblin.'_

Leonard McCoy could not remember another time when he had been this much happy to see Spock. But that pleasure turned sour with his first medical scan.

Spock was flat on the transporter pad, unconscious and bleeding from a number of visible gushes. He was a mass of green blood and bruises.

McCoy knelt beside him. Broken ribs and internal bleeding. How the hell did he survive all those injuries?

With the help of his new found assistants, he loaded the Vulcan onto a stretcher and moved him out.

"Collapsed left lung… bruised liver…severe trauma to the right kidney…" One of them was listing as he moved the device over Spock's body. But McCoy already knew them all and didn't really want to hear them again. That just unnerved him even more.

They laid the unconscious Vulcan on one of the bio-beds. The first priority was to keep him alive and going. "He is critical. Start blood transfusion now. Vulcan T negative. Bring in oxygen, I want to repair that blasted lung of his." The doctor yelled.

His two aids scrambled to prepare his ordered instruments. He glanced to the other bed where Jim lay unconscious, a mask placed on his pale face. "How is he?" he asked the paramedic assessing his knee. "He lost consciousness just as I got him here. His vitals are low but not critical. The bleeding has stopped. Contusion in left lung. Three broken ribs. But the pleural cavity is uncompromised. We are ready for operation."

McCoy nodded, in full doctor mood now. He glanced at the monitor over Kirk's bed. In shock. Low blood pressure, tachycardia, hyperventilating.

Both of his patients needed immediate operation. But Spock's collapsed lung was his priority.

He didn't waste time and started to work his miracle. Stopping internal bleedings, reflating the collapsed lung, closing off the gushing wounds.

Spock was going to survive. He had to. McCoy thought about a hundred ways of killing the Vulcan if he did not. He was fuming the whole time under his breath, damning Vulcan anatomy and physiology and their general pig-headedness. The operation was too tricky, and his frayed nerves were already on edges without any added stress. The indicators showed that Spock's body went into its healing trance. Good sign. But not out of the woods yet. More medical observation and intervention was in order, but he didn't want to think about them right now.

All the while he checked on Kirk's condition closely and gave instructions to the paramedics to tend to him.

One full hour passed before the doctor was satisfied and let his assistants do the rest of the job on Spock.

Without a moment of rest, he started his next operation. Kirk's knee was a mess of blood and torn, swollen flesh.

McCoy had given him drugs to clear his lung tissue of the bruises and to reduce the inflammation to keep the injured lung as clear as possible. But he knew that his kind of injury took a long time to heal. 'God, if Jim had a Vulcan self-healing mechanism, life would have been too easy for me, right?' He was more concerned about the complications that was sure to follow.

He was at first reluctant to use the endotracheal tube. It was invasive and caused even more complications. But with Jim unconscious and his critically low blood oxygen saturation, he was forced to intubate him.

The knee was another matter. Bone and tissue regenerator only prompt the body's natural healing process and shorten the time to recover from the injury. There was no magical healing.

The doctor was amazed that Kirk had stayed conscious at all on the bridge. Any other man and he would have crumbled in no time, whining and screaming.

He looked at his friend again. His drawn face was marred with angry bruises and the oxygen tube protruding from his mouth. The lips split, swollen. The sight tore at his heart. This should not have happened.

He had been in his own reveries for some time when he sensed the paramedics' concerned eyes on him. He pretended to do another quick check and then left the room.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

The ship was exploding. Plate after plate, she was falling apart around him. Flames were all he could see. Fire was spreading everywhere, surrounding him, consuming him. He couldn't stop it, couldn't outrun it. There was no air left to breathe. He was suffocating, burning, screaming …

McCoy was hovering over Kirk. He noticed his elevated heart beat and blood pressure. His eyes were moving rapidly under quivering eyelids. His body was trashing minutely.

McCoy moved closer and held the captain's shoulder, hypo spray ready in hand.

"Jim? Jim!"

Kirk opened his eyes with a gasp, his body shaking as he panted violently. His heart was pounding fiercely inside his throbbing chest. His unfocused eyes were roving around the room. Then they anchored on the doctor's worried face and he relaxed.

McCoy checked the monitor above the bed. Indicator showed bearable pain. No more painkillers for now. Nevertheless, he asked.

"Calm down, Jim. How do you feel? Are you in pain?"

Kirk thought for a moment. There was no intense pain like the last time he remembered. His leg was mostly numb, his whole body felt heavy and not entirely his own. However, breathing was still a little hard.

The captain shook his head. He weakly grabbed the doctor's arm and whispered feebly, "Bones, What ... happened?... Spock?" McCoy patted reassuringly on his shoulder, "He's fine. I released him two hours ago. He is out there, talking with some admirals right now." When he saw the worried look on his face, continued, "He's alright, Jim. Well, at least in a better shape than you are." Kirk looked around his room again, this time, he was more focused. "Where are we?... how much time… " "Star base ten. It's been over twelve hours since we arrived." Kirk exhaled with the enormity of his realization. He had missed so much time.

"The officers?" Kirk tried to sit with obvious difficulty. He just couldn't remain in the bed for one more second. McCoy supported his back to help his battered body. "They're fine. Dammit, you have to lie down. Why do you always make everything more difficult? - Hey, don't you touch that drip!"

But Kirk didn't relent. He just kept on pulling the drip's tube with his weak, shaking hand, McCoy noticed with no small amount of concern. "Take it out...I have some unfinished business." He was panting from the sudden exertion. "Alright. I call Spock now. You stay here. Don't move. "

Spock was there A few minutes later. Aside from some faded bruises, he looked sickeningly pale, exhausted. "Spock! You are alright?" kirk panted. "Obviously captain. I have to say I am glad to see you are fine as well." Spock didn't miss how his captain was pale and drawn. These stressful events were weighting him down.

The doctor was in a bad shape himself, Spock noticed. He had practically no rest since they arrived here. And Spock had not been able to help the good doctor in any way. He had been busy talking with the committee members, the base manager, the quartermaster, even with some of worried and agitated officers from the enterprise, trying to calm and reassure them that everything was under control.

Kirk took a deep breath, tried to ignore his throbbing chest, and asked, although he already knew the answer.

"Official hearing, Spock?"

"Correct. In twenty four hours they will conduct the meeting. I can ask for more time if you-" "No, that's just fine. Let's get this over with as fast as possible."

McCoy stared unbelieving at Spock, then at the captain, "You need to rest more, Jim!"

Kirk didn't seem to hear him. He shifted on the bed, tried to find a more comfortable position for his stiff body. asked Spock, "Where is the enterprise?"

"In the dry dock, undergoing major repairs. The engineers believe it will take two weeks to put her back in working order. And that is with everything going as planned. The ship was badly damaged . Thirty percent of the equipment needs complete replacement. The external hull was also severely compromised. They are working on the ship even as we speak."

_Only Scotty knows how to fix her_, he thought dreamily. _Scotty will make her alright_. Kirk paused in the middle of his reveries. "Where is Scotty, Bones?" McCoy sighed. "He was one of the most critically injured crew, Jim. Severe burns, coolant gas poisoning… he is still in the medical center. But he's gonna be alright. He is strong"

"I want to see him."

"Not now. He is resting. We had some complications but he is out of the woods." Kirk looked slightly more at rest. "Where are the officers?"

"The base manager is handling things alright. They are here, in their allocated quarters. Some of them are in the next ward." Kirk closed his eyes and hung his head. McCoy back tracked. "By the way, Uhura and Chekov were here a few hours ago. They wanted to see you. Even Sulu with his broken leg- "he cut himself awkwardly. "Listen Jim, what I'm saying is, this is not the best time of the year. Actually this is one of my worst days of life, but they need you now, more than ever. I know it's hard, but we won't leave you alone again."

Kirk remained silent after that. The dark mood was oppressive.

McCoy inspected the knee wound. The scare was healing nicely. The artificial skin was merging just fine. He administered antibiotics and some other drugs in a hypo spray.

Spock asked in his calm voice. "What are you planning to say the in the session tomorrow, captain?"

"Everything."


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Kirk recognized most of the hearing committee members. They were five in all. They all had come from the Earth in a short notice.

Kirk knew well that this investigation committee was merely the beginning of his troubles. An official court martial would be in order when they were done with this public interrogation.

But that was exactly what he wanted. He wanted it all to be completely public. He needed his crew to understand his motives for his actions. Not that He really cared for rumors; People could think and say all they wanted. But those words are knife stabs when it is your family saying those horrible things.

He couldn't afford to let his mind drift away again like so many other times since he woke up in medical center. He desperately needed his concentration. He looked closer at each one of the emissaries in a hope to get his mind to focus.

They were conversing among themselves and, from time to time, glanced his way. This was taking too long. Kirk shifted in his chair uncomfortably. It was unnerving. He read the name labels for the third time to distract his racing mind; Admirals Sulir, Diwat, Vennra, Benson and admiral Tirusia's right hand man, vice-admiral Rinsa.

Gordon was also present, sitting with Mr. Johnson, the base manager, McCoy and Spock and some other members of the crew in the back of the room.

Admiral Diwat, a middle aged Andorian, looked at him with piercing black eyes and began the questioning.

"This session will attend the recent disturbing events regarding the planet Niurex. Captain Kirk, please explain for the record the reason for your insubordination."

Kirk drew a deep breath, as deep as he could with his aching ribs. It was painful to speak, even with McCoy's painkillers. The captain had insisted on a small dose of pain medicine. He needed his head clear for this.

"I couldn't do it… I couldn't allow innocent people to die…"

Vice admiral Rinsa opened his mouth as if to say something. His face was crimson with the anger Kirk's words sparked in him. Surly he didn't believe they were responsible for any lives lost due to the lack of medicine or any other vital good imports.

But Kirk cut him with a louder tone, "The moderated, less harsh restriction plan had less chance of antagonizing them… it would have given them our continued support… a chance to overcome their economic problems… and yet they refused…that shows something important. That they already had their minds set on revoking the treaty. A complete ban would not have got a better reaction."

He was short of breath again and his tight neck formal uniform did little to ease his discomfort. The back of his stiff chair was grating on his half healed injuries. Nevertheless, he remained ram rod straight, motionless.

McCoy watched him with concern from where he was sitting, too far away to be of any help. He couldn't see his friend's expression and that made him even more anxious. _'The tri-ox isn't enough,_' he thought with anger.

Kirk was not yet released from sick bay. He had improved considerably, but still, he was not off the medications. His respiratory system was not to its optimum. He needed more time to fully recover from those severe injuries, just like Spock did.

The half Vulcan had played the role of the difficult patient he was fond of so well that in a matter of three hours after he came out of his healing trance, the doctor just wanted him out of his hair. It was of course against his better judgment, but some part of him knew that they all needed Spock right now, even though he was not practically fit to be even out of bed. So, he was now sitting next to the passive looking first officer and was trying, unsuccessfully, to imitate his calm front. And that was definitely a facade, McCoy knew Spock well enough not to be so easily fooled.

The doctor just wished he had made Kirk rest more this past twenty four hours. He looked meaningfully towards Spock, who returned it with as much encouragement as he could possibly allow himself to show.

McCoy's precarious attention shifted back to the center of the room.

Ambassador Sulir, a short and overweighed man, was continuing the questioning with an explosive tone.

"You didn't know that! The restriction plan was the only way we had to stop that dictatorship. You did know the Federation would never support your faulty ideas. You did not have the right to change the message of the Federation! What if they did accept your offer? What then? You changed the terms for a huge interplanetary relationship. It could have started a major war if they found out you were a fake representative!"

"No, admiral. That is not what I did. I merely promised them, on behalf of the federation, to continue to act as is our duty; to provide their more deeply needed provisions, to keep the planet from falling from the edge of the abyss they were standing on."

Kirk paused to catch his breath. He closed his eyes for a few seconds before starting again.

"This national disturbance was going on for far too long. That's why they were in such a dire situation. And the worst part is, it was happening … right in front of our eyes. The federation should have done something … before they become this much desperate for their basic needs. The federation neglected them in an indefensible way. That is the cause of their present calamity." He paused for a moment, "Admiral, we could stop this all from ever happening."

"What do you think you know, Mr. Kirk? You were not in the admiralty. What can you possibly know about something as delicate as deciding inter galactic relationships?"

"We already had evidence that the Klingons had a hand in the disturbances…but the headquarter did not deem it worthy of their attention!… I tried to emphasis on it… I offered other approaches…"

"Nonetheless, you had no authority to change the orders! Your action was disrespect to the Federation itself!" Sulir was almost yelling towards the end.

Rinsa spoke next, "As you well know, this course of action was planned in a committee of strategists. Not one man has the right to make such paramount decisions. Admiral Tirusia and his team spent over a year to organize this, and you destroyed all those hard work."

Kirk was livid. "Do you even know what the people on that planet want? They want this government to go. They are inconsolable. Unlike what you believed, they don't want reformation, they want revolution. No other way in their eyes is capable of getting them out of this dead end, and they are right. When a government starts killing its people, it is when said leadership is doomed to failure. This one tortured and killed its antagonists. What chance do you think it has to regain its people's trust and respect? None!"

Kirk paused again. It was becoming increasingly difficult to even breathe. His voice was already hoarse.

"Niurexians want a government of their own. They will never trust the federation again… if we force them to keep this government. And we did just that. We made everything harder for them… They can barely live on that planet now, let alone think… and plan a revolution. They cannot fight back. The government's defenses are unimaginably powerful for them. Also, the leaders of that planet provide us with false information. They led us to believe they have a perfect society. They managed to trick us so childishly, all because… there were short comings from our side."

"No man is worthy of freedom if they are not ready to sacrifice something for it. Try and always remember that. If they want freedom, they should fight for it. We cannot interfere in every private business of a planet."

"No. That's where you went wrong. No man deserves to live under that circumstances that we saw there. It was beneath the decency of man. The federation has the duty …to support innocent lives, not abandon them. And certainly not make their living condition worse. We had to help them. My offer was a message to the people… that we don't want you to suffer, even if we have to stop helping your government and that will make things harder for you.

"Their dictator leader was waiting for a reaction from the federation for a long time. And we did the one thing they wanted the most, reject them. We gave them a reason to walk out and shake hand with the enemy. They wanted to do whatever they pleased; they didn't want the federation's intervention when they suppressed their antagonist. They could have that freedom if they were part of the Klingon Empire. They just needed to convince their people that the federation has no good deed and the right thing will be to stay away from its exploits."

"You say that they were waiting for this event to take place. But can you prove it?" admiral Benson questioned briskly.

"…no. but-"

"Then how do you know they were co-operating with the Klingons at all?"

"We found pattern indicating the possibility of the Klingon's activity. We received unofficial reports from the civilians. But yet we couldn't prove anything. Not after what happened to our ship. "

"Explain"

"Four Klingon war birds surrounded the ship. Chief engineer Scott managed to beam back the landing party with some difficulty. The signals were weak with heavy interference. I assumed the Klingon's jamming signals can be accounted for that."

Diwat frowned, "You assume? You mean you are not sure?"

"We didn't have time to investigate it in depth. The source could have been on the planet. But one thing is a fact; the jamming signal had a definite Klingon signature to it, whether it was originated from the planet or not."

"What was their business there?"

"Governor V'sder mentioned they would find new allies. They seem to have many common grounds with their new partners. I anticipated some sort of negative reactions; even retaliation after the message was delivered."

"You mentioned that four war birds surrounded the Enterprise. Explain what happened next."

"The Klingon ships were only a part of the ordeal. The main problem originated from the planet itself."

"The planet?"

"Seconds after the first shots were exchanged, a powerful tractor beam started to pull the ship into the atmosphere. We lost almost all our maneuver capability and sustained heavy damage. By the time we broke free, we had minimum shielding and the matter- antimatter chamber was overheated. It was only with the crew's experience and well-timed maneuvers that we managed to defend ourselves."

"But why didn't you contact for help immediately?"

"The jamming signal prevented us from doing so. I knew the Statder was already on its way. We counted on this for extra protection for the evacuating crew."

There was a long pause. Then the admirals started to converse among themselves. A few long minute passed before any of them spoke again. It was the Vice admiral's voice that silenced the rest of them,

"Mister Kirk, I have your psych file here in front of me. I can see that, with your history of experience with settlements on the verge of destruction, you were emotionally compromised. That's why you changed the orders. You should have notified the admiralty and resigned commission the moment you realized you cannot handle this. Your first officer, Mister Spock, had the duty to take command of this mission with the first signs of emotional distress. I am asking for a new psych evaluation immediately for the next hearing session. Dismissed."

Kirk blinked unbelievingly.

What? Were they implying that he…?

The world was spinning. Strange. It spun a lot lately.

He felt a weight on his shoulder. He turned and saw McCoy and Spock behind him.


	17. Chapter 17

I am really sorry about the delay. But I will try to update sooner.

Chapter 17

Third day

He took a deep, calming breath. It was coming in with increasing difficulty. But he didn't pay it any attention. He needed to concentrate if he was to do this.

"... And they gave their lives in line of duty…"

'_Such a liar... you killed them... every single one of them...'_

"…And I am forever in their debt..."

'_How can you pay the debt? It's not a price you can pay. After all, One can only die once, right?' _

Kirk was giving the eulogy but it felt like someone else was speaking those words. No matter how hard he tried, words escaped him. He didn't hear a single word he was saying. The other voice, the one in his throbbing head, kept any other voices out. It never ceased to taunt him. It didn't let him think. It was driving him mad.

All he understood was that he was standing in front of his crew and was looking into their eyes. One by one.

All the faces were sad and drawn. They looked like a defeated army with no hope. All ready to surrender.

Some of them still bore scars. A lot of them were on the verge of tears. They sat at attention, yet their pose screamed hopelessness. They were all listening to him. Their faces were shadowed by profound sorrow for their lost comrades. But beside that, there was something about their eyes that made his skin crawl.

It was anger. Or maybe something a lot darker than that. And it was all directed at him. He didn't want to know what meaning those stares held. He didn't want to name that feeling wavering in those eyes. He just couldn't.

But deep down, he already knew.

"...I am very proud to have served with such brave young officers..." his voice was coming out around the painful lump in his throat.

'_Young, Yes! They were so young. So full of hope with bright futures. All of them. And you let them down. You didn't save them.'_

He paused in the middle of his sentence. It was too much. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't continue this pretence. He closed his eyes for a second and drew a shaky breath to calm his mind. He gripped the small podium in front of him and tried to just breathe, to let the slight wetness in his eyes disappear.

He looked toward where Spock and McCoy were sitting. He needed to draw in the warm feeling their presence gave him. He locked eyes with Spock for a second. The first officer never lifted his keen eyes off his captain.

Spock's face was always calm, reassuring. Kirk felt better already.

_'I am not alone_.'

He needed to keep a strong front for his crew. Even if he was no longer their captain, it was not good for their moral to see how close he was to the edge of insanity. He was barely keeping it together and he knew his limits were reached.

Each day was another constant push towards that brink. But this one was maybe the last push for him to tip over.

000

The Funeral was the most devastating event of the last few days, McCoy thought. The number of casualties was never more. And this was more than Kirk could bear.

He watched his friend bravely going up the platform to speak. He looked calm but McCoy knew better. If the past days were anything to go by, his friend was still fighting a war he had no hope to win. It pained the doctor to witness the deterioration, every passing hour, and having to stand by and witness, unable to mend the underlying cause.

It made him feel useless.

Kirk spoke with a voice heavy with emotions. A few times he paused to calm his quivering voice. The look of guilt and pained regret never left his pale and tired complexion.

_'He is falling apart.'_

The doctor looked nervously at Spock. The Vulcan returned the glance and McCoy read the same thought in his eyes.

Kirk took every death personally. They always hit the captain the hardest and they never seemed to get easier for him. It always was McCoy or Spock who helped him keep it together after an away mission took one of his officers.

And again it was the doctor who found the captain after he gave his speech.

The captain was in one of the empty briefing rooms, leaning heavily on the table, and was trying to catch his breath. His eyes were unusually red and his whole body was shaking as he panted.

The doctor went in without waiting to be invited. He was dreading his worst fear was coming true.

"Jim! You OK? I was looking for... Dammit, come and sit before you fall! You're white as a sheet!" McCoy came hurriedly closer to catch him should his legs crumble.

"I'm OK... Just out of breath...I'll be fine." Kirk whispered with some difficulty.

But he was far from anything resembling fine. He couldn't breathe. He was barely keeping it together. He was dangerously shaky and light headed. He was sure his throbbing leg would give in right there and then if he lost his precarious support on the table. And it was becoming increasingly hard to hide it all from his doctor friend.

He didn't want anyone to see him like this. He was afraid his walls would crumble any second. He couldn't contain it all in much longer. He just wanted to be alone.

He didn't want to cause them more problems to worry about. They all had problems of their own right now. The doctor had a ward full of injured to occupy him day and night. Spock too, was busy with admirals. And yet, they somehow found the time to be present at the right time when he needed them.

He didn't want to be alone either. He knew he wouldn't survive loneliness. He needed his friends if he was to stay sane.

Kirk sat on the chair with the doctor's help.

"I'm fine now, Bones. Really."

But McCoy wouldn't just let go and he knew it. It was a battle already fought and lost. He sighed inwardly and just let the doctor do his job.

McCoy brought out his medical scanner and immediately the noise of the device filled his ears.

"Let me be the judge of that." McCoy grumbled.

'You don't deserve this friendship. You don't deserve friends. You don't deserve anything.'

His throat burned. The ache was familiar. He swallowed past the constricted part. He took a shaky breath to calm himself.

The door opened with a whoosh and both men turned to the sound to see Spock enter the room. The first officer's pale face was emanating concern.

"Captain, I noticed your early departure. Are you alright?"

Kirk let go of the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Yes, I'm fine, Spock. Doctor McCoy was just leaving."

That caught the doctor by surprise. He put down the medical scanner to scowl at the younger man.

"The hell I am! You are coming with me. I want to run some tests."

"I don't have time for that."

"No Jim. Enough with this I am busy crap. I'm taking you to the medical. I want to make sure that pretty lung contusion of yours is cleared. My readings are-"

"Don't you have enough patients already? Go keep yourself busy with them, doctor. Just leave me alone. I don't need a babysitter." Kirk snapped. Voice cold as his face was.

McCoy winced inwardly. He opened his mouth to answer. It was Spock, however, who spoke.

"I must agree with the doctor, sir. You don't seem to be quite alright." he said firmly.

"He can't fix me Spock. Not this time." Kirk answered with a note of sadness in his hazel eyes. His voice was low, barely audible.

McCoy's heart broke. How true it was. He couldn't fix his friend this time. It wasn't a physical wound he could just heal. He was useless, hopeless. If only he knew how to mend this. He would do anything not to see his friend this way.

Spock noticed the grief stricken face McCoy was so desperately trying to hide. He drew Kirk's attention before he could unknowingly break the doctor's heart even more.

"I suggest you rest in your quarters then. I can accompany you to your door."

Kirk shook his head thirdly, "No Spock. Thank you. But I can go myself. I just have some small things to do on my way. Then I will retire to my room." he stood up to leave.

"Very well, sir."

Spock took pity on them both. Kirk was still in pain. His injured leg was still sore and weak. The captain never complained, but his often short temper was proof enough.

His broken ribs should have healed by now but his lack of proper rest slowed the speed of his recovery. And that was the tip of the iceberg for him.

And the doctor, he was practically feeling every pain with his patient, every heart break and disappointment. The hopes lost and friendships shredded to nothingness.

McCoy was in a different hell of his own where he was plagued by his raw emotions of uselessness and constant regret.

Spock looked at the doctor now, who was staring gloomily at Kirk's back as the captain left them in the briefing room.

Kirk still limped slightly when he thought no one was looking. Spock could physically feel the all-consuming emotions the man was trying to hold back. He was amazed by the force of will he was exerting to do so. But he knew he wouldn't be able to keep that up for much longer

000

The doctor knew kirk wouldn't be able to close his eyes even for one second tonight. He was badly sleep deprived to begin with. He couldn't afford anymore sleepless nights.

He was concerned. So he went to check on his friend.

Kirk was pacing in his quarters. He looked disheveled, restless.

Not a good sign.

"You look like you need a drink." The doctor said.

Kirk didn't answer. His eyes were blank and betrayed nothing.

McCoy poured both of them drinks, and handed him one of the glasses.

Kirk stopped his walking and took the glass as a reflex. He looked at the glass in his hand without really seeing it. His mind was in another place entirely.

McCoy stood by the desk and sipped at his drink, keeping one eye on his friend.

He was pale and drawn. The shadow around his eyes was pronounced by the dim light of the room. His cloths were what he was wearing in the ceremony. But they were wrinkled and out of shape.

Kirk slowly sat on his bunker, the glass still untouched in his hand, and after a long silence, said, "I did this... I ordered this..." his voice caught miserably. His whole body was shaking with the enormity of the emotions he was fighting back.

"No, Jim-" McCoy was taken aback.

"I failed them... I let them die..." the voice didn't belong to the starship captain he used to be. It was of an abandoned child. Lost and sacred.

McCoy rushed to his side and grabbed his shoulders to shake him out of whatever it was that was breaking him apart.

"No, Jim. Look at me. You didn't kill them!" he squeezed the arms in his vice grip. But Kirk just repeated, he didn't seem to hear or see the doctor.

"Snap out of it dammit."

But he couldn't reach him. Kirk's eyes remained unfocused. He was muttering unintelligibly under his breath. His eyes were closed tightly, as if to block out the horrible images.

He was severely sleep deprived. And it was lowering his protective walls holding back his tormenting thoughts.

McCoy drew out his hypo-spray and shot him with a sedative. He should have done this sooner, he thought, before it become this much severe.

He blamed himself for unrelenting deterioration of Kirk's state. But he had absolutely no idea of what to do.

The figure quickly limped in his arms. He gently lowered him on the bed, and made sure he was comfortable.

McCoy sighed. The face looked so young. Innocent. The peace that came with unconsciousness was so unreal that it scared the doctor.

He remained by the bed and wished that the man was granted a few hours respite.

But he chastised himself a few hours later when he wake from his shallow nap to see him in the throes of yet another nightmare, shivering and trashing on his bunker.

He knew all too well what tormented his friend. But all he could do was to remain there watching through watery vision, feeling helpless and useless all over again.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N : I'm trying to update faster. I really am. Now my exams are over and I have more time to write.

* * *

Chapter 18

The sixth day

It was late. It was dark and quiet in the star base one. Only the night shift personal were on duty. The corridors were empty. Everyone was sound asleep. And yet, McCoy was awake. Not that he could sleep anyway.

He was sitting on this uncomfortable chair, unmoving and unspeaking. He has been sitting there in darkness of Kirk's allocated quarters for what seemed like hours, following the movements of the haunted figure in front of him.

Kirk was pacing back and forth like a caged animal; hands fisted tightly, one leg limping slightly. He didn't acknowledge the doctor, as if used to this silent presence. Heedless of anything around him, he was drowning himself in his own thoughts.

Doubts. Sorrows.

The doctor actually welcomed the darkness. The light would just make all the painful details stark clear; the way Kirk's shoulders were hunched, the pained wince that didn't seem to want to go away even with painkillers.

The worst of all was those eyes. They were so unlike the soulful eyes he was used to. He didn't want to look at them now. He couldn't bear the agony that clenched his heart every time he stole a glimpse at those lifeless orbs.

So empty. Resigned.

McCoy had almost given up calming the man. The effort seemed pointless. Kirk simply wouldn't calm down. A few days ago, he probably would have said something reassuring, encouraging, to try to get him out of his thoughts. But what was left that either him or Spock didn't already say?

What he said held little meaning even to his own ears. No surprise those words didn't work on his friend. So now he was silent, just offering his presence and waiting for Kirk to be willing to open up.

And he always will, McCoy thought, after he completely drains himself. Or after a couple of drinks. Though it hadn't worked so far. The guilt and the agony were cracking him from inside but he was not yet willing to speak a single word about it.

He always knew this method of coping was not the healthiest one, but Kirk somehow managed. He had seen it work before. But after what happened three nights ago, McCoy was not sure if his friend could cope as well as he believed he could.

His doctor friends down in the psychiatric ward were right. They all needed help to get over what happened. But of course, Kirk wouldn't listen. He wouldn't let anybody help him. He wouldn't let anyone get close enough to help. He knew just every right answer to led all of them to believe what he wanted.

To the crew passing by him in the corridors of the base or on the repairing ship, he would always look calm and in control of the situation, sad and tired yes, but not broken.

But that charade was over as soon as he was within the protective walls of his small quarters. As if he couldn't keep the mask on his face for one second longer.

The doctor and the first officer often came to visit him. Kirk wouldn't object their silent presence while he was in his most vulnerable state, as if content with it. He somehow felt protected in their company. But it came with a price. The ache never ceased, its form only changed.

The silence between them was deafening. McCoy wished Spock was here right now. Jim at least asked his first officer for updates from time to time. The doctor sighed inwardly. It seemed as if the emotionless hobgoblin was more successful than he was in helping Kirk.

But the Vulcan could not come, though he wanted to. The doctor had made him take a full day rest. He sure as hell needed it. And after what happened today in the briefing room, McCoy didn't want to strain the already weakened first officer. He was in a bad shape to begin with, barely kept on his feet with meds, but today, his body announced that he's had just enough.

Unfortunately the captain was present when the frail, lifeless body of his friend hit the floor without any warning.

He knew Kirk was affected greatly by the heart wrenching scene, though he was trying his damnedest to hide it. His more than usual agitation was a testament to how much he was unsuccessful.

Spock had insisted on staying with his captain. Right after he regained consciousness, he wanted to make sure his captain was convinced he was fine, so that maybe his tormented mind could be more at peace tonight.

As if Kirk had been able to sleep the nights before.

And to persuade him to rest, the doctor had promised him Jim won't be alone tonight.

So he was here, still sitting on that uncomfortable chair, and was trying to find a way to get his friend to start talking.

* * *

Kirk limped across the confining room one more time. The intense pain in his leg was getting to him. His knee was still weak and throbbed when he walked. No matter how much his good doctor insisted on rest, he couldn't stay still. He wouldn't ask for more painkillers either. He couldn't back away from the pain right now. He needed it to concentrate on keeping it together, to hold on to his tight grip on his devouring emotions.

He was completely spent. He had almost no sleep in the last few days. He couldn't close his eyes without reliving his horror. He was stuck in a star base in the middle of dead space and he could do absolutely nothing. He didn't even know what he should do. This sense of helplessness was driving him crazy.

He didn't remember how, but three nights ago was the last time he actually slept, only to wake up a few hours later shaky and nauseous with dread.

Old dreams mingled with new ones, creating more fearsome and devastating nightmares. They were mostly the same and started as soon as he closed his tired eyes for five minutes; The shouts of fear, disrupters firing, footsteps running, escaping, always escaping without reaching anywhere.

He was pretty sure the doctor was there when he fell asleep but the room was empty when he came back from the grip of his black terror.

He was glad McCoy didn't see him in that state. No one was to see him like that; pale and shaky, drenched in sweat and ready to be sick at any second.

He had resisted any kind of sleeping pills since then. He couldn't face those images again. And strangely, McCoy hadn't argued. He didn't even speak about that night. It was exactly what the captain wanted.

He appreciated his friend's well-meant efforts to help, but Kirk knew he was past that. Nothing and no one could help him.

He limped to the other end of the room for the last time, then sat heavily on the small bunker, head hang low, hands hiding his pale face.

McCoy opened his mouth then closed it after a second. As much as he wanted to close the distance between them, he chose to remain on his chair for the time being, not sure how Kirk would react and had far too many of his out bursts to be willing to risk a push right now.

This Jim in front of him was different. He was always on edge. And no amount of humor or hard liquor seemed to change that.

This past few days were hard on the doctor. He didn't know how to communicate with him anymore. Jim used to be like an open book to him. More Like his smaller brother actually. But now he didn't even know what to say.

A full minute passed in complete silence before the doctor could bring himself to speak.

"Do you need more painkillers, Jim?"

There was no answer. Not even a reaction. He didn't even lift his head. Like so many other times before. But the doctor knew better. He knew his friend was past the point of exhaustion and in a lot of pain. The combination was not pleasant in the doctor's first-hand experience. He sighed and tried again, voice gentle, "Jim, listen. You need rest. You're running yourself ragged. It won't help anybody if you-"

Kirk cut him off with his chilling voice, "Don't hover over me. Shouldn't you be by Spock's side right now, doctor? I thought he was your patient. What kind of a doctor you are? He is your charge!"

The doctor winced. The captain's tone was brisk, impatient. His eyes hard.

Well, it was more than grueling pain and severe lack of sleep, McCoy thought. Kirk had been under constant stress since the moment this all started. Yes, He understood. But the knowledge didn't take away the sting he felt every time Kirk snapped at him.

Kirk was right there, but the doctor missed his friend. The man sitting in front of him was only a shell of what he used to be. The pang that hit him was almost physical.

The doctor didn't let these words scratch too deep. He resisted feeling the loss deep in his aching bones. But it still hurt to bear the accusing look that for a moment, flashed in those hazel eyes. He tried to ignore his own feelings, like so many other times. He was an expert by now.

"Yeah well, he's gonna be fine. He's resting now, which you also should do."

Kirk snorted from behind his hands. Only doctor Leonard McCoy could insist on rest against such a cold reply. Damn stubborn.

The captain gripped the bridge of his nose and rubbed his sunken, bloodshot eyes. He then opened his tired eyes and studied the weary doctor for a few seconds, as if not just looking at him, but actually seeing him for the first time.

His throat caught with guilt. He had been so utterly blind to his friends' state of mind. He had let his own emotions cover what was important from his hazy mind. He was supposed to take care of them. It was his responsibility, and look what he had done. His decision had cost everyone so much, it had cost them their lives. Everyone knew that, McCoy knew that. Why the good doctor was still there, was beyond him.

"Why are you here anyways? You look half past dead yourself, Bones. Why don't you rest some?" the tone came gentler this time. Closer to the caring tone the doctor had come to relate with his friend.

"I'll rest as soon as I make sure my difficult patient gets some too."

McCoy smiled slightly, trying to lighten the dark mood, even if his words were too slurred from tiredness to keep up the bravado.

Kirk didn't know what he could say. He was not sure if he could take it much more. He didn't want to see how frail and drawn his friend had become, or how his eyes were tired and half closed, yet still patient and caring.

_you caused all this… They didn't deserve this… you don't deserve this friendship. This sacrifice…_

It was too much for him. He just wanted to get away from this all. This pain. This guilt that was driving him insane. He wanted to shut it all out. If he could just shut the voice in his mind down for one minute...

* * *

McCoy kept the hopeful smile for a few more seconds, but no further answer came from Kirk and they both fell into the uncomfortable silence again.

Kirk was staring at an unknown spot. It was the state the doctor often found him in after hours of pacing back and forth till it drained his tension or he became too breathless and light headed to walk anymore.

The doctor just wished he knew what was going on in his head. This blank expression and empty eyes were deeply unnerving him. He wanted to practically grab him and shake him out of it.

He could see his friend slip away right in front of his eyes, and nothing he said or did seemed to change that. He felt absolutely helpless.

He didn't want this agonizing silence to continue anymore. And when it became too much for him, he decided it was time to push it.

"You know Spock is gonna be fine right?"

"Yes."

A long pause.

"I get it you've been talking to some of the crewmen."

The answer, when it came, was in a low voice.

"Yes."

"And?"

"They are filling official reports against me. Guess that was inevitable from the beginning."

That was no news to the doctor. But he had hoped for other answers. He had hoped the situation had changed somehow. His friend was already in too much mess. He didn't deserve anymore of it.

The captain didn't look angry, or even sad. His face was indifferent. McCoy wished the captain at least showed an emotion. Anything that could chase away this emptiness that was now so heavy he could feel its weight in the air he breathed. But still, if he could bring his friend to talk some, it was still an improvement.

"I'm sure those handful ignorant will come to their right minds. They'll understand sooner or later. This isn't over Jim. You can prove them wrong. Talk to them. Make them understand that following the original order didn't make the final outcome any better. You took the best option on the table."

"That's the thing, Bones. I chose and look what's the result… I should've prevented it! I don't blame them. They have the right to accuse me. I was responsible for all of this. It was my decision, my order. They lost their comrades, Bones. Friends." Kirk's eyes were sad, his hands fisted on his knees. He continued after a long intake of breath, voice hoarse and broken. "The toll this took on us ... They think I've lost it… and maybe they are right…" he didn't continue. As if every word caused too much pain. Not that he would say or even let it appear on his tired face.

But the doctor didn't need all those hints to know what he knew. How many times did he or Spock took part in a version of this conversation. But did Leonard McCoy really believe in what he was telling his friend?

"Jim, we had this conversation, remember? The psych evaluation results were just fine. You are completely fine. Your decision was the right one. It was the only right thing anyone could do. Even those admirals know you have a point. Why else do you think we are all still here? What is taking them so long? They should've decided something by now. They were there; ready to tear our throats out fast enough! Why not now? Something else is going on, I know it. I can feel it in my bones."

"I don't know, bones. I... I can't think…my head is ... I …" the pained expression that came on Kirk's young face jabbed at his heart. McCoy swallowed with difficulty. That tone of voice was like broken glass that tore at his already bleeding soul. He inhaled to calm himself.

He knew that right now, Kirk couldn't handle this. He didn't want to go down that road again. Unlike Kirk, he remembered all too vividly what happened three nights before and knew this time, he wouldn't be able to keep himself from falling apart. He just couldn't stand to see Kirk that way. So he decided to change the subject for now, to talk about more pleasant things.

"Did you see Scotty?"

"Yes. He said he's fine. Complained he's bored. He said he'll be out of there in a couple of days, but the nurse-"

McCoy cut him hastily. It was so hard to find an innocent subject to talk about. "Yea, he's a strong lad, you know. Will be up and about in no time and will be horrified when he finds out how his girl is treated by those sloppy star base engineers." His grin was a little bit exaggerated.

Slowly, Kirk smiled slightly. This was a relief for the doctor, yet the expression lacked something fundamental.

* * *

Kirk read the concern wavering in McCoy's sad eyes. He smiled just to humor the good doctor. He had to consciously try to do it. He had to keep his facade because he was the captain, even if he was in non-punitive suspension for now and had no real authority. But he still had responsibility. And the feeling of guilt that came with it was becoming too much for him to hide, especially when McCoy or Spock were around him.

They wanted to help him, but they just made the pain worse. Their loyalty and compassion was like fuel on the fire of guilt and self-loathing that was consuming him. They tried to reassure him, but all he was thinking was that many of his officers were gone because of him. Forty eight casualties, plus twice that were wounded. They had families, friends, loved ones. All of that was lost, and he was responsible for every single one of them.

No matter how many times Spock or McCoy told him that he had done absolutely the right thing, the pain he felt in his heart never even slightly let up.

McCoy was still looking at him as if waiting for some sort of reply. The captain knew what his friend was trying to do. The good doctor had been through so much already. He didn't deserve anymore pain.

_Why are you still here, Bones? Why are you tolerating me? You don't deserve this. You deserve much better._

His heart broke a little more in the face of this loyalty. He didn't deserve such good friends. He knew he hadn't been particularly warm or friendly these past days. Hell, he had been downright intolerable most of the times. He had yelled at his friend to leave him alone, to stop tending to his wounds, to stop insisting to eat, and yet here he was again, ready to take the burnt.

McCoy didn't let the moment pass. The flash of life he saw in Kirk's eyes warmed his heart. He needed to see a sign of vitality on that face so that he could keep going.

"I see you've kept busy during the day. How's the ship by the way?"

Kirk sighed, deciding to play along, "Not good. She's been damaged badly. They are behind their primary schedule. The cost to repair her... It's too painful to see it like that."

Kirk spent most of his time on the ship. Mostly to personally take part in repairs and to help the maintenance groups, but also because he knew he had to keep busy if he was to stay sane.

It helped him stay in control of himself. To keep his guilt and regret at bay. He just wanted peace. A few minutes of calm silence that came over his shattered mind when he was focused on re-programming the main computer or when he was in Jefferies tubes replacing parts.

The voice that sounded very much like his own, followed him everywhere. The tone always full of anger and hatred, the words accusing and blaming, bringing him to the point of breaking.

The enterprise officers, the ones with able body and practical knowledge, helped with the repairs as well.

They often saw their former captain checking a console here or re-wiring a machine there, always ready to give a hand if they needed.

The man worked harder than any one of them. He pulled two shifts every day. He was already there when the alpha group came. He barely left the ship for break, and left only after the beta group was relieved.

The officers could see their captain fade away a little more every passing day.

Every day, his face was paler, and when handling instruments his hands shaking a little worse from tiredness.

No one really talked about it but they all knew the doctor was greatly concerned for the captain's state of health.

Uhura, Chekov and even Sulu had tried their best to get him to talk. Uhura saw him on the enterprise most of the times. And they talked a lot. Yet, she could not open the subject with him. It was as if he did everything he could to keep them all out.

Kirk would chat, spend time even joke and laugh with any one of the crew if need be to avoid the painful conversation. He would always find a way to skip the subject.

Uhura often tried to keep an eye on him. She wanted to help but knew her captain hated pity more than anything. Aside from that, she really didn't know what she could say that would make a difference for him. She didn't know what to tell to make him feel better. But that didn't keep her from trying to be near to help if he needed any.

She saw him once leaning unobtrusively on a chair and laboring to catch his breath.

She wanted to rush to his side to help him. She even considered asking Christine Chapel for help, but then decided otherwise.

McCoy was involved with healing the man. If anyone could help him it would be his doctor friend.

The man felt guilty, they all could tell. And this heavy weight on his shoulders was destroying him little by little.

They were all concerned.

But she knew there were some of the officers who couldn't accept him as their captain anymore. It was his decision that brought them here after all. Not that they could understand what really happened. They didn't want to. Because they were all lost and hurt and needed someone to blame. Kirk, grounded and denounced by the admirals, was just the easiest target. It was as simple as that.

The doctor knew Uhura was concerned. She had told him that much. She wanted to help. Sulu and Chekov too.

All they could do was to tell everyone what exactly happened on the planet, and after that on the bridge, and why. And make them open their eyes and see the truth.

They vowed to themselves they would do whatever they could to redeem their captain.

* * *

My recommended song: Give Me a Sign by Breaking Benjamin


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Kirk spent the nights pacing and thinking in his small quarters. He didn't dare sleep. His nightmares haunted him day and night. It was like an old and barely healed scare torn forcibly open again. The images kept slamming him non-stop. He couldn't concentrate.

The sleep problems were not uncommon though. The crew, the officers they were all traumatized. But the burden that was crushing him was not something that a few sessions of therapy could fix.

In day time, he just couldn't stay still. He was restless. He barely ate. The dark shadow under his bloodshot eyes was painful reminder of his night-time torments.

He kept it hidden well. He tried to smile when he talked to Uhura or joked kindly with Sulu and Chekov. He even managed to lighten the Scott's man foul mood who was still in medical center.

He just knew them all too well.

He was sure Scotty never noticed his unhealed scars when he was giving him the latest journal on higher warp drive theories, and Uhura never doubted the reason he gave for his constant tiredness. He couldn't see why anyone would even care to notice.

He could hide his pains from everyone. He could pretend he was fine and everything was ok. Well, he couldn't dodge everyone, no. He was sure the doctor and his first knew how troubled he really was, but they had not said anything. Yet.

Kirk guessed they were avoiding that particular conversation for his benefit. But he was sure they did not know the real extend of his turmoil. How could they?

They didn't understand why even the mention of food turned his stomach, or why he woke up from his nightmares, sick and nauseated. They couldn't know. They didn't live that hell.

He spent every single daytime hour he got with his crew on the Enterprise, trying to interact with them, and always showed his most confident face, however that was possible.

He visited many of the crewmen personally. He talked to them, and the doctor thought it was a good thing, an improvement.

He spent many hours in the medical center with the injured crew still there. It squeezed the doctor's heart to see that guilt ridden expression as the captain softly whispered to them. Trying to make them understand why this happened, why they were bed ridden and in pain.

He wanted them to understand that they were important, that their captain cared.

He was asking for their forgiveness, McCoy thought, or maybe to silent his own guilt for a few precious seconds.

But he was not entirely correct in his assumption. He hadn't heard any of the conversations himself. He hadn't had to bear the look of anger and hatred that Kirk received every time he spoke with his crew.

They all tried to hide it; they always spoke reverently with their captain. They stopped to salute him wherever they saw him. They politely asked about his health, and his answer was always the same. But their true feelings and thoughts were not all that hard to see.

Kirk never spoke of that with anyone. So no one knew how wounded he felt or what troubled his mind the most. He didn't believe these trivial worthy of words. They were his penance, his share of the ordeal. He didn't want to trouble anyone with his personal unimportant feelings.

Spock spoke in his captain's defense in every meeting with the Starfleet admirals. Kirk asked him to stop doing that because Spock was risking his rank and position for him, and Kirk didn't want that. He didn't need defenders. He couldn't bear to see others sacrifice themselves for him much more.

All he wanted was one more chance to make things right; on the planet Niurex and also for his crew. But he had not the slightest idea how. And that was driving him insane.

* * *

It was early morning. The alpha shift personnel had not yet relieved their peers, when the door to the darkened room sounded.

The two men jumped. They locked eyes for a second.

McCoy cursed under his breath. It was Spock, no doubt. He knew about their vigils. No one else disturbed them in the middle of the night.

The hobgoblin was supposed to be resting. Whatever it was, it must be important. McCoy signaled the door open.

Spock stepped in. He looked nothing close to rested. His feature was as pale and sleep deprived as the last time he saw him. He spoke without preamble.

"Captain, I have news for you. There was a message received not an hour ago."

"A message?" Kirk asked in a hoarse voice. Speaking for the first time in so long.

"Yes. From the planet Niurex. The message mentions your name specifically. The admirals called for another meeting. Your presence has been requested."

* * *

"… please… help us… killing… they are here… people…help us captain Kirk ..."

The voice whispering brokenly belonged to Governor V'sder.

Kirk's stomach churned. He felt the cold sweat on his face. He swallowed forcibly.

The background noise was shouts and screams and the sound of disrupters firing.

All eyes were on him. But he was staring at the now silent console. It was too much. It had happened all over again.

He had risked everything to stop this from happening.

He had failed, and now innocent people were dying.

All because of him.

He had failed again.

He closed his eyes hard. But the images kept slamming him nonstop.

_Children running for their lives... Mothers screaming their last plea... _

_He had to save them. He needed to..._

"- captain Kirk, I said what is your opinion?"

Kirk snapped to attention. They were all staring at him. Admiral Vennra and Sulir exchanged a brief glance.

Kirk's eyes lingered on McCoy. The doctor's eyes were concern, questioning. Spock tilted his head, squinting his eyes.

_They want my opinion? Who am I to give opinion?_

McCoy only looked at him as if to encourage him to talk.

Kirk looked uncertain for a split second but then, somehow he pulled himself back together.

"If The Klingons have taken control over the planet, the people are defenseless against the invasion. I believe Starfleet has to take some actions."

The confidence he felt after saying those words surprised even him. Maybe, just maybe he would have a chance to fix this.

"What do you propose?"

"They ask for help. We should help the people defend themselves."

"That was what the committee decided as well. We will form a team to go to that planet and repel the Klingon attack."

"I want to be on that team as well."

"Captain!"

"Jim, no!"

McCoy and Spock said in union. The doctor sounded horrified. Spock's voice had the slightest hint of concern.

Admiral Vennra ignored this out of character display and continued.

"I was hoping you say something like that. We will need your help on this one, captain Kirk."

"I am ready."

"Jim, what are you saying? You are not fit to go!" McCoy hissed from where he was leaning on the table.

Kirk ignored his friends and said to admiral, "What is the plan?"

* * *

McCoy came into the room after Kirk and Spock and angrily locked the door behind him.

He turned toward Kirk, face red and eyes hard.

"What the hell are you doing? Did you even think about it before accepting to go?"

"I've been thinking about it since the moment it all began, Bones." His voice was calm, his eyes sad, resigned. McCoy realized then just how much he hated that expression on that young face.

He took a breath to calm himself.

"Jim, listen to me. There's going to be a war down on that planet in no time. You'll all be stuck in the middle of it. Spock don't you just stand there like that. Say something, dammit!"

"I believe the doctor is right when he emphasizes on the danger. And you are still recovering, captain. Logic dictates you stay out of this mission. Also, you're emotionally involved with this event. It is not wise to risk yourself any further."

"I have to go, Spock, you know that. I can't stay here anymore."

McCoy tried calmly, "They will send a professional team to deal with this. You don't need to…"

"Bones, this is my last chance to try to make things right."

"It wasn't your doing that destroyed that planet in the first place, Jim." His words were low, gentle. Almost as if pleading him for one last time to understand that. "It is not your responsibility to fix it." His voice caught painfully.

"I have to, Bones."

"Then we are going with you." McCoy said stubbornly.

Kirk's keen and sad eyes lingered for long seconds on McCoy, studying him. Then on Spock who looked as if trying to keep himself from saying something.

"There is no 'we' in this one. It's too dangerous."

"What? The hell it is. We are in this together. Don't you dare pull another stupid stunt again. I'm not letting you go alone this time."

Kirk merely smiled and shook his head, but didn't say anything in response.

Spock took one step closer, narrowing his eyes in confusion. He couldn't quite understand the meaning that expression held. But he knew deep down that it was not a good sign.

He looked at McCoy for any kind of clue. The hurt and sorrow in those eyes forced him to look away.

Jim knows he probably will not come back from this alive. He knows and he is willing to die...

No, not again. He will not let this happen again. He will not let his best friend put himself in danger this time.

He pursed his lips tightly. He couldn't let his emotions betray him. Outwardly he was calm and calculated. But his mind was racing at an unbelievable pace.

There were times that he had thought he had lost his best friend. In those unbearable moments, in the midst of his despair, he was sure he would do just anything to bring him back. And he had done that many times already.

But this time, it was a suicide mission.

He blinked out of his thoughts to see McCoy and Kirk still arguing.

"It'll be a war zone. You said as much. I did enough harm already. I can't let you in the harm's way as well. You will stay here."

"No, I won't. I'll come to that godforsaken planet and-"

"Bones listen, to me-"

"No, _you_ listen to me. Stop being a pig headed stubborn mule and listen for one damn minute. You have better chance if we come with you. You need us."

"Captain, it is only logical you take precaution and allow us to accompany you."

McCoy looked expectantly at Kirk, waiting for his decision. Face grim, and eyes hopeful.

Kirk knew what his friend wanted to shout. He could hear '_don't do this to me again_' so loud it almost hurt his ears. He could see the pain in those blue eyes, but he couldn't live with this guilt anymore. If anything happened to any of them, he just knew he wouldn't survive it.

"No. That is the final call. No more argue."

McCoy closed his eyes and hung his head. He could hear the finality in that voice. And it shattered something throbbing in his chest.

_Stubborn. Why are you so hell-bent on killing yourself?_

Kirk came closer and gripped the doctor's shoulders reassuringly and smiled, minutely, "It's gonna be fine."

McCoy didn't move a muscle. He couldn't. He was completely numb. It felt like a painful deja vu. Except this time Kirk was standing in front of him and not speaking from a burning bridge.

He felt Kirk's hold tighten on his shoulders. He could feel Spock's anxiety radiating next to him.

_No Jim. Not this time. I won't let you._

He lifted his head and looked directly in those hazel eyes.

"You know all I have to do is pronounce you unfit for this mission. We are coming with you, or no one's going. It's your choice, captain."

Kirk took a step back. The resolve he saw in the doctor's eyes surprised him.

"You are not serious!" Kirk sounded slightly betrayed.

Spock looked at McCoy. He could tell the man was deadly serious. And apparently Kirk could see that as well, because his frown deepened.

Kirk opened his lips to say something, but then closed it without a single sound. He was speechless.

Spock lifted one eyebrow. He reminded himself to never annoy the doctor on his bad days.


End file.
